Sharing pictures

I have been playing with the idea of sharing pictures but as I get closer to surgery I really don't know if I will. At least not on the net.My wife made some good points about how With people spamming and stealing content it wouldn't be a good idea. On one hand I have only seen one penis from a guy of my complexion on the net. I appreciated that. I want to sort of pay it forward. I think it would be ironic that I don't really show my chest because I am modest and shy YET I am actually considering putting my penis out there. I think it has to do with the fact that there are dark skin men with top surgery pictures and as I mentioned only 1 of a post op penis 2 if I consider the one a shade or so lighter.

I don't want my genitals up for judgement. I have heard the things people say of even the best of surgery and how discouraging people can be. If I saw or heard those things about my post op genitals I would feel awkward. I would also feel upset for me putting myself in such a vulnerable position to have people be negative and judgemental. My wife worries about this too and fears it will make my dysphoria worse. When I think of this I understand why there are not as many photos out there.

I guess I will just have to see how I feel post op and go from there. I will definitly be taking photos to track my healing and for my personal viewing.

Another one of those days

I found out that someone I THOUGHT I could trust disclosed my trans history without my permission. The people she disclosed the information to know me through other stuff but they didn't know I was the same guy being discussed until one detail was mentioned. Whether they knew or not it was not this woman's place to discuss my business without my permission. This shit is really getting old. I know in 2010 there is no way to be 100% stealth but why are you giving people YOU don't know my personal history. This is really ridiculous! If I were in a different place in my life I would be upset but honestly it's just sad that people have to cut me down which is what the disclosure was intended to do to make themselves look and feel better. They made a big mistake and they are about to make an ass out of themselves in front of some big wigs by doing so because most people when they hear what happened won't believe it and those who do believe it will deal with this individual very harshly for disclosing people's private information which they deem as inappropriate.

Meeting new guys

I went to a group that I hadn't been to in a while for several reason. I went in with a open heart and open mind and it was awesome. Good conversation and good people. I met some cool people who I can see myself getting to know but since I am in the mental space of weeding out those who are negative I have to hold off on that but the potential is there. I am happy about that. I want to have more positive people around me. I realized that people as a whole aren't the issue but the negative drama carrying people. I know since I started this blog talking about my "community" issues butI feel myself finally taking steps to make a change and not just TALKING about making a change. We shall see what happens.

To show or not to show?

I still HAVE NOT decided on whether or not I will share pictures of my lower surgery.

I am a very shy (it's true!) and personal person but I feel as a man of color who hasn't seen that many results from other men of color it might be beneficial to other guys.

If I do share pictures I don't know whether or not I will post them anonymously to transbucket, or lower surgery surgical groups.

If I decide to share but not via online will I have a picture of my lower surgery and share that at conference show and tells only? That way I have 100% control of who sees my genitals without having to drop my pants in a room of guys. (I know a guy who did this at a conference and I thought it was a great idea).

Decisions, decisions!

Philadelphia Trans Health conference- My feelings

It was AWESOME!
I got to meet people I have been talking to online for years! I also got to catch up with some friends and acquantances.
The workshops I attended were awesome. I am proud of the turn out for the workshops I did.
I officially am planning to do a lower surgery show and tell next year and plan to start drumming up guys willing to participate from NOW. I plan to be able to have something to "SHOW" by then. ( I will talk about that in another blog).
I realized how much I impact peoples lives. I met several guys for the first time who I have helped via the net. One guy got emotional which made me get emotional but I held back my need to get teary eyed due to there being over 1000 random people walking around (and probably because T makes it almost impossible for me to cry anyway!)

I am excited that the "To Be stealth or not to be stealth" workshop had a HUGE turn out. By huge I mean over 94 people were in ONE ROOM! It was crazy and beautiful at the same time.

The "Finding affordable ways to transition" workshop also had a good turnout despite being put at 8:30AM.

I left feeling like it was the best PTHC I have ever been too. This weekend did give me a sense of "community" and I think that had to do with the people that were there.

Empire Conference May 21, 2010- Day 2

Day 2 was better than Day 1. There is still not many men of trans experience. To be honest I can count on one hand the number of guys here on one hand. I did a presentation today which had little attendance. I did manage to go to 2 presentations/ workshops today so I guess I would call that progress. Dinner was surprisingly good though the entertainment "Trannies got talent"- A talent show did leave me with mixed feelings. I didn't like the name especially the use of the word "Trannies" However I will say the show was entertaining with people showing talents such as juggling, actual singing (which was really good I might add),different tricks and comedy.

I will see how the rest of the Conference works out.

Are you serious?!

I was on a forum and a guy someone comes on asking people about THEIR experiences with regards to relating to cismen. They expressed that they felt "different" from cismen because they were a transman.
Along with some other commentary about the "female experience" and being feminist.

I responded to them respectfully stating that my thoughts, experience and opinion differ.

They made a comment about being raised female and how that is a disadvantage in being able to relate to cismen. I responded saying that I guess I was lucky for not being "raised female". I said this being "sarcastic and because my upbringing WAS NOT FEMALE!

Was I assigned female at birth? YES

That however does not give anyone the right to assume what I have been through and what I have experienced. Also the person was white American. As a Jamaican by culture but American by birth Person of color my experience vastly differs from theirs. I even said that later in a comment but all of a sudden I am "an asshole".

Well I am one happy asshole because I do not feel "tortured" or "less than" because of what my birth certificate used to say.

This kind of thing is getting really lame and I am getting tired of seeing it OVER and OVER again. You say you are a feminist and women shouldn;t be seen as less than because they are women but then you call yourself less than because you "used to live as a woman". Stop contradicting yourself!

UGH!

3 days post hysto and more!

3 days since my hysto and I feel great!Today I ran errands again and felt fine. I was out of the house today for about 6 hours with no issues. I still take a nap during the day but I think that has more to do with my inability to go to bed at a respectable time of night no matter what I do. I am returning to work on monday which will only be 6 days post op. In that case I plan to go to bed at a decent hour. Work doesnt require as much walking as I have been doing the past 2 days so I know I will be fine. I only work 4 days next week anyway.

I have been thinking about my maleness since having my hysto and for some reason in my mind I feel more at ease now that I have rid myself of those unwanted parts. I do not see other guys having those parts as less male but for some reason I feel more at home in my body and more like the man I should be because those parts are gone. I don't feel like I am more male in relation to others but more male in relation to pre surgical myself if that makes sense. I hold different standards, wants and needs for my body and medical transition yet respect other peoples paths/journeys/needs whatever that may be.
Though I still REALLY want NEED lower surgery since having this hysto I feel really calm and at peace. I think it may be the initial Euphoria of it all only time will tell. I am still planning lower surgery but I don't feel the same sense of time crunch/ pressure that I did prior to the hysto. Interesting...

I have been making some business decisions while home that I am very happy with to take my non-profit to the next level. It will allow me to help more peole in the "community" while maintaining more of the boundary that I feel I need for my own personal sanity and safety.

So much on my mind and so much to do!

HYSTO

As I have been talking about my hysto is coming! Only 6 days left! Totally ready for it to come so I can be finally rid of these parts I should have NEVER had.


LIVER
After that I have to see if they could figure out those "mystery spots" on my liver. To this day my labs are perfect. Liver function- fine. Liver enzymes-Fine. ALL labs- Fine. I feel perfectly FINE! Just these random spots. They think they are only liver "birthmarks" (The medical term is Focal Nodular Hyperplasia). They aren't dangerous they dont grow they are just there. They just have to check again to be sure they are definitely this and not something more serious. 10 days after my hysto I have to follow up with the liver doc. I am glad that he was willing to clear me for surgery. I used my powers of pursuasion but he was already pretty for it anyways. I did point out that if I had to stop T how it would be great for me to not have those parts making me sick both physically and emotionally. I hope to get this out the way so I can continue down the road to my lower surgery. Having continued concerning liver issues would delay that and maybe even hault lower surgery if they feel I am not safe enough to undergo anesthesia BUT I am optimistic and sure that all is fine. It has to be!

*Just a side note the liver issue was not caused by me being on T they issue I am having is more linked to estrogen and they feel it may have to do with when I was pre-T Docs giving me all sorts of estrogen and birth control pills to try and deal with "reproductive issues" as well as "feminize me".


My Forum

I have my forum coming up in May for guys in my area so while I am home recovering from my hysto I plan to do more outreach for that and solidify plans regarding the food and stuff.


Clinic

I need to make some decision regarding the future of the trans clinic I have started. Though it has been great for all the trans people it has helped it has been a major headache for me lately. I plan to meet about some issues and have a few needed "conversations" to hopefully alleviate some of the headache. I am proud that we just celebrated our one year mark and are doing REALLY well way better than anyone expected. Then again I have high expectations so I expected nothing less that is why though it is "good" I want it to be better and I see areas of opportunity where it can be made better.


Conferences

I am presenting at 2 upcoming conferences. One in May and One in June so it is time to prepare for those.

Lower surgery

I discussed this like 50 million times since I started this blog so basically I just need to move forward so that I can set a date and do what I need to do in that area.


Social life

I have some dudes that I need to hang out with. I have been better lately about finding time for QUALITY time with guys I want to build meaning full friendships with instead of spending Quantity time with a bunch of guys who I have nothing in common with other than medical transition.
I am looking forward to Soccer/ football/Social in the park starting back up. This will be the 4th year we have done this and I love it! We go from April to August having fun every Saturday that it isn't raining. This is SOOO much fun. Just getting out of the house. Not worrying about work or any other obligations but just relaxing having a good time with some good guys!


Family life

I am enjoying the fact that I have found a way to balance time with my AMAZING wife (she occassionally reads, lol) and my new sweet daughter. I enjoy being a family man.


DAMN I have a lot I am doing. I need a REAL vacation!

That's all for now!

Reclaiming power over my body

I was sitting here relaxing and thinking over some recent blogs I have read as well as concerns I have had. AS my hysto nears I realize that I really need to keep my eye on the prize because 6 weeks after my hysto my plan is to get lower surgery stuff in full swing. I have been making baby steps in that area using the mentality "slow and steady wins the race." I do feel that it is time to really kick things up a notch. As I have blogged before and those of you who chat with me know lower surgery is definitely for me. My "issue" has been that I have been stuck mentally on whether to go straight for my much wanted NEEDED Phalloplasty or get a Metoidioplasty for now hoping that will either alleviate my dysphoria fully or at least "hold me over" until I can get a phalloplasty.

I realized that part of my issue in choosing has been I put in my mind some of the comments people have made in different community forums. I was thinking about this and realizing I was giving people too much power over my body! I was allowing their words to influence what I felt that I NEEDED for lower surgery. I thought about this and realized that it was giving people power still that I vowed to take away when I started my medical transition. Also I found myself seeking some sort of "validation" from other guys in the community. I was either doing this by seeking reassuring comments or using other people's lower surgery experiences to dictate how I feel. By that I mean if someone in a group posted about how they wanted a phallo but got a meta first and no longer feel the need for a phallo I would use that to tell myself "I won't need the phallo once I get the meta." I was trying to live vicariously through them to simplify the reality of MY struggle. That is their truth but I have to really look at "will that be my truth?" Same thing for my concerns regarding going straight to Phallo and if I go straight for a phallo which one should I go straight for? Should I not use insurance and just save the money to get the MLD phallo? Should I use insurance and get another type of phallo because it would mean surgery sooner rather than later? I post all these questions and usually expect someone to chime in with a proposed answer but I am realizing that the only one that can answer these questions for myself is ME! When everything is said and done I have to be okay in my own skin. I was born alone and will die alone!

I read someone's blog last night who I have been following for weeks now regarding his lower surgery experience. It has been helpful to me, him sharing everything that he has been going through. The thing that really resonated with me was a part about not allowing societies issues to influence how he feels about his own body. That spoke to me more than anything else and as I read that I felt weight being lifted off of my shoulders.

I, PrettyBoiCris, am officially reclaiming power over my body! I am no longer allowing others to influence what I should do and/or when I should do it. I will do what is right for me, when it is right for me. I will share as much or as little about my decisions and journey as I see fit without feeling guilty or pressure!

Trans on Trans relationships and the "community"

I have heard lately different things about "Trans on Trans lovin'." Most of which has been negative. Whether it be a transman with a transwoman, 2 transmen or 2 transwomen. I have heard some trans people saying it's "disgusting" or "too much" and all sorts of stuff. Why is it "disgusting"? I'm confused. I personally don't care who anyone has sex with as long as everyone involved is old enough to consent and no animals were harmed in the process!

I think part of it has to do with that old saying "Misery loves company" People in unhealthy relationships or who are single would rather make fun of or put down someone else's relationship than just move the hell on with their lives. Why do you care?!

Also I hear assumptions about the how the trans couples have sex. Someone described 2 transwomen having sex as "sword fighting". What if both women are pre-op but highly dysphoric? What if both are post op? What if one is pre op and one is post op? You can't assume how they have sex. Same thing with a transman and transwoman. Some transwomen want to be tops, many DO NOT and are VERY dysphoric about their genitalia and dont want to be touched certain places. I remember being at a conference and a transguy introduced his girlfriend who happened to be a transwoman. When they walked away people started making jokes about how he must like getting poked and how if he wants dick just fuck a dude. Little did they know the transwoman was post op and the transguy was very dyphoric so his girlfriend has never seen him naked much less he be in the position for her to "POKE" him.

I also have more and more friends and associates of mine telling me about them being "down low" trans brothers. Basically that means that they are transmen who like men whether it be trans or cismen (Most like other transguys) but they don't tell people really because they are concerned about ridiculed.
First off you don't have to justify to anyone EVER who you are dating, sleeping with, cuddling with, swinging with or whatever else. They also have no right to ask you why you are with that person. GET OVER IT! If you are in a situation where someone is questioning what you are doing and who you are with tell them, MIND YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!

Then people wonder why the "community" seems so divided. If two people are happy- leave them be!

Trolls get on my nerves!

Why would you waste your time going to a "Trans community" site just to be ignorant, transphobic and hateful?!" I'm not going to say which site or which community this happened on because the recent event I have seen happen pretty much everywhere I have noticed.

I am sick of people saying "WE will never have a penis."
SPEAK FOR YOUR DAMN SELF! I already blogged about people needing to "RESPECT THE PENIS"

If YOU will never have a penis then that is YOU but don't speak for me and/or others then want to get upset because you got called out for being an ass!

BLAH!

I'm done venting.

Letting go.

I have finding myself lately realizing that I need to let go. I always knew that once I got comfortable in my own skin that it would be easier for me to live life. What I realize more and more is that I can not completely move forward without letting go of a lot of stuff. I thought the only thing that I needed to let go of was the past. I realize that I also need to let go of a lot of the stress and hurt I have from not allowing myself to be happy. I also realize that even in my new happier shell I need to let go of the ways that I chose my friends as well as the different half ass ways of me justifying keeping toxic friends.

I find myself surveying my friends as well as associates lately. I feel like I have to asses for me who I need to keep in my life and who I really need to let go of. There are some people without question that must go due to how toxic they are for me and how they trigger negativity in me.

I find myself moving more in the direction of people goal oriented and focused on achieving those goals. Anyone can have goals but not everyone actual works towards achieving those goals. I need to move myself from being around people making excuses. I need to move myself away from people who constantly say "I can't". I have made a promise to myself that I will not utter the words "I can't" unless it is followed by the word fail. Me being able to say "I can't fail" is one of the most powerful statements that I could make in my pursuit of happiness and achieving my goals.

I have been spending more time with differnt people either by going out to eat with them or just sitting and talking about things of importance to us.
I find that this has helped me see who I could build a more quality relationship with and who is just around just because we "should be friends" since we are part of "The same community."

I used to feel like I had to get along with everyone if we were part of the same "community" but just because we share some sort of identity or social class does not make us need to be BFF! I used to feel bad for feeling this way but now I embrace it! It allows me to be more authentic in my friendships and connect with people because I want to and not because I have to!

I am living more for my quality of friends as opposed to quantity of friends.

Letting go of toxic ways and toxic people.

Community!

I think people use this word a little too loosely. I personally put it in quotes all the time because I think it is a little of a joke to say it. I do not feel that the "Commmunity" is very unified. Between all the flame wars and differences in values, views and opinions I think it can be a little sticky.

In some situations I do feel there is a "community" among people medically transitioning but it is a far cry from the "we are all united" thing people try to make it out to be. There are always wars going on about one thing or the other.

Stealth Vs. Not stealth
Male Privelege Vs. Feminist mentality
Lower surgery Vs. No lower surgery
Pre- transition Vs. later in/ post transition
blah vs. Blah

All of the for mentioned things are legitimate conversations to have BUT there are always those knuckleheads FOOLS that believe will should all agree because we are a community! Just cause we take a similar medication and have similar medical procedures does not mean that we have the same experience! Get over it people WE ARE NOT ALL THE SAME! I don't even like most transmen/ transitioned men/ transmasculine individuals! Why should I? Just because you have a certain label does not make you someone I like or even want to know! I give people a chance but I don't want to sit around and talk about transition all the time! Unless I am asking or answering a question briefly in an online community I really would rather just discuss life stuff.

I have a LIFE not a LIFESTYLE and I think that is what people try and use interchangeably which leads to problems. I do not eat sleep and breathe transness!
When I am with my wife I am not thinking about transition!
When I am with my daughter I am not thinking about transition!
When I am working I am not thinking about transition!
When I am out to the movies I am not thinking about transition!

To be honest I really don't think about "transition" issues unless I am online or I am naked (which is usually reserved for hygenic rituals such as bathing!)

I just wanted to put that out there!

What do you guys think about the "Community"? I look forward to your comments.

Chaz Bono does not represent me!

Someone asked recently if "Chaz Bono was a good representative of the Trans community?" Um WHAT?! I know on a recent interview he was labeled "Transgender Activist" but um... What Activism is he doing?! Every interview I have seen or heard of by him has been pretty self serving! He isn't using his "celebrity status" (I use the term loosely of course) to further anything!

To be honest it doesn't effect me either way because I really don't identify much with the "trans community." From the point of people going through medically similar procedures (i.e surgeries) maybe but other than that I feel like I don't feel this is much of a community (See previous blogs "Don't bite the hand that feeds you" and "Do your research" if you want to know a little more about why I might feel that way.)

I don't think this topic deserve much more than that but I figured I'd mention it.

Don't bite the hand that feeds you...

I am having one of those days where I want to just kick someone! I have helped MANY guys when it comes to transition stuff. I have helped many people in general but I put way more effort and time to helping men in the "community". But I am really getting sick of guys talking crap! Saying "Cris doesn't help ANYONE!" Have you lost your damn mind!
For example I have helped:
-At last count as of this week 50+ guys get top surgery paid for by insurance.
-I have helped guys get hystos while listed as male with insurance.
-I have helped HUNDREDS of guys start T by either referring them to either Therapists, endocrinologist or primary care docs so their process could move along.
-I even started a Damn TRANS HEALTH CLINIC for the community!I see my doc privately for my I don't need a Transclinic but I started one with a respectful MH provider, respectful Doctors and referrals for anything related to transition.
-I even have taken money out of my own pocket to help donate to people with their transition. (I am myself a donation away from needing a fund to help me).

I don't want a prize, I DON'T EVEN CHARGE (and I could cause I have the credentials to do so), I don't even expect a thank you (though it would be nice) BUT WHY TALK CRAP ABOUT ME! Why smile in my face when you want something then talk about me like a dog?! Are you freakin' serious!

That is just really going too far. I jeopardize my being "stealth" to help guys because they are in need then some ungrateful punks want to sit around and talk about me?!

Now if I get mad and stop helping everyone then I will be another "Mean post-transition man that went stealth"! Well people need to start looking about what part they have to play in that.

Why should I continue to help you when you bite the hand that feeds you?!

Then there are the other set of guys who are like "hey prettyboicris I want us to be the bestest friends EVER!" but they only remember my number when they want something. Well SCREW YOU TOO! If this keeps up I'm really gonna just stop. If someone has wrong info, I will look the otherway. If some needs help navigating insurance I will keep my mouth shut. I may bow out and leave the clinic to it's own devices and when it goes down the toilet like other places have not give a rats butt! I will stop writing letters for surgery scholarships, I will stop going to court to help with name changes cause people are nervous, I will stop answering calls to ask questions, I will stop running forums and just stop it ALL.

I so freaking serious I am so pissed right now you don't even know the half. Just as nice as I am I can be a cold and vindictive bastard! I don't want to be like that but if you keep adding fuel to an already burning fire it is already a matter of time til someone gets burned!
I am wasting time helping people and I am delaying my own process I could have BEEN had my own hysto and lower surgery (at least first stage) by now!

I am interested in your comments on this one. Talk to me people!