I realize that transition has to just flow and isn't a race. I feel like though I can set goals and time frames life happens and that is not a sign of failure but just part of life. Sometimes things not working out the way you want works out better in the long run. My process to start T is an example of that so is my hysto process. If my plan would have worked out for the way I wanted to start T I would have been dealing with a lot of stress and drama with the clinic I originally wanted to go to.
With regards to my hysto if I had it when I wanted I would have an abdominal scar AND I would have had to deal with a longer recovery process. I am a positive thinker but at the same time if things don't work out the way I want with this initial insurance claim it might work out better. Now that my hysto is out of the way I can focus more on deciding different aspects of my lower surgery. Many people think of lower surgery as "THE BIG SURGERY" but it is more like "Surgeries" even if done at the same time different aspects have to be thought about.
Do you want a meta?
Do you want a phallo?
Do you want a meta as a deliberate first stage of a phallo?
Do you want a vaginectomy?
Do you want urethral lengthening?
Do you want testicular implants? What size?
Do you want expanders before your implants?
How far do you want to travel?
How will you pay for it?
How will you deal with complications?
All of these questions to answer I feel makes it okay if you need "a little more time". Now that I am really focusing on my lower surgery exclusively I am certain more than ever that I want it BUT at the same time there are aspects of surgery that I have to finalize for me in my head. For such an important decisions I realize it is okay to take time and there is no rush. Do I want surgery now? HELL yes BUT if it doesn't happen now I will not be as devistated as I thought . It would just allow me more time to plan.
Showing posts with label decisions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label decisions. Show all posts
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
My penis will be fine
I decided to stop worrying about my lower surgery decision because ultimately whatever decision I make will be the RIGHT ONE... For ME. I keep taking other people's thoughts, concerns and experiences into consideration. I keep asking myself well if I do A then people might think this or if I do B people might say that! Though what people say and think won't stop me from doing what I am doing I need to not think about that. I am still working on that habit I have. I spend hours on end wondering but I know in the end the decisions I make will be the best one for me and no matter what the complications, amount of stages or any other issues. I have a plan A through E in my head right now and I am happy with the plan that I have. Some aspects may not seem as "practical" to people but to me they make perfect sense and take into consideration all the areas that I have been trying to balance in making this decision for my lower surgery. I may have to come out of pocket at least partially for what I want BUT that is okay. I think making sure my penis is what I want it to be is worth the investment. As long as I do what is right FOR ME ... My penis will be fine!
*4 days til my hysto.
*4 days til my hysto.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Reclaiming power over my body
I was sitting here relaxing and thinking over some recent blogs I have read as well as concerns I have had. AS my hysto nears I realize that I really need to keep my eye on the prize because 6 weeks after my hysto my plan is to get lower surgery stuff in full swing. I have been making baby steps in that area using the mentality "slow and steady wins the race." I do feel that it is time to really kick things up a notch. As I have blogged before and those of you who chat with me know lower surgery is definitely for me. My "issue" has been that I have been stuck mentally on whether to go straight for my much wanted NEEDED Phalloplasty or get a Metoidioplasty for now hoping that will either alleviate my dysphoria fully or at least "hold me over" until I can get a phalloplasty.
I realized that part of my issue in choosing has been I put in my mind some of the comments people have made in different community forums. I was thinking about this and realizing I was giving people too much power over my body! I was allowing their words to influence what I felt that I NEEDED for lower surgery. I thought about this and realized that it was giving people power still that I vowed to take away when I started my medical transition. Also I found myself seeking some sort of "validation" from other guys in the community. I was either doing this by seeking reassuring comments or using other people's lower surgery experiences to dictate how I feel. By that I mean if someone in a group posted about how they wanted a phallo but got a meta first and no longer feel the need for a phallo I would use that to tell myself "I won't need the phallo once I get the meta." I was trying to live vicariously through them to simplify the reality of MY struggle. That is their truth but I have to really look at "will that be my truth?" Same thing for my concerns regarding going straight to Phallo and if I go straight for a phallo which one should I go straight for? Should I not use insurance and just save the money to get the MLD phallo? Should I use insurance and get another type of phallo because it would mean surgery sooner rather than later? I post all these questions and usually expect someone to chime in with a proposed answer but I am realizing that the only one that can answer these questions for myself is ME! When everything is said and done I have to be okay in my own skin. I was born alone and will die alone!
I read someone's blog last night who I have been following for weeks now regarding his lower surgery experience. It has been helpful to me, him sharing everything that he has been going through. The thing that really resonated with me was a part about not allowing societies issues to influence how he feels about his own body. That spoke to me more than anything else and as I read that I felt weight being lifted off of my shoulders.
I, PrettyBoiCris, am officially reclaiming power over my body! I am no longer allowing others to influence what I should do and/or when I should do it. I will do what is right for me, when it is right for me. I will share as much or as little about my decisions and journey as I see fit without feeling guilty or pressure!
I realized that part of my issue in choosing has been I put in my mind some of the comments people have made in different community forums. I was thinking about this and realizing I was giving people too much power over my body! I was allowing their words to influence what I felt that I NEEDED for lower surgery. I thought about this and realized that it was giving people power still that I vowed to take away when I started my medical transition. Also I found myself seeking some sort of "validation" from other guys in the community. I was either doing this by seeking reassuring comments or using other people's lower surgery experiences to dictate how I feel. By that I mean if someone in a group posted about how they wanted a phallo but got a meta first and no longer feel the need for a phallo I would use that to tell myself "I won't need the phallo once I get the meta." I was trying to live vicariously through them to simplify the reality of MY struggle. That is their truth but I have to really look at "will that be my truth?" Same thing for my concerns regarding going straight to Phallo and if I go straight for a phallo which one should I go straight for? Should I not use insurance and just save the money to get the MLD phallo? Should I use insurance and get another type of phallo because it would mean surgery sooner rather than later? I post all these questions and usually expect someone to chime in with a proposed answer but I am realizing that the only one that can answer these questions for myself is ME! When everything is said and done I have to be okay in my own skin. I was born alone and will die alone!
I read someone's blog last night who I have been following for weeks now regarding his lower surgery experience. It has been helpful to me, him sharing everything that he has been going through. The thing that really resonated with me was a part about not allowing societies issues to influence how he feels about his own body. That spoke to me more than anything else and as I read that I felt weight being lifted off of my shoulders.
I, PrettyBoiCris, am officially reclaiming power over my body! I am no longer allowing others to influence what I should do and/or when I should do it. I will do what is right for me, when it is right for me. I will share as much or as little about my decisions and journey as I see fit without feeling guilty or pressure!
Saturday, March 13, 2010
If I won the lottery ...
Sometimes I sit back and think about what I would do if I won the lottery. I would do the "typical" stuff such as pay off debt, buy a house, secure a future for my family to make sure we could live comfortably off the winnings. The usual stuff.
Then I think about what I would REALLY want to do with some of the money. That would be have lower surgery. I have been wishing more and more lately that I hit the jackpot so that my lower surgery options would be limitless! Well not limitless but obviously I wouldn't have to worry about money the same way when it comes to having lower surgery.
As it stands now I plan to use insurance which limits the surgeons I can go to and procedures I can have. Since my first choice Phalloplasty is the MLD technique which isn't offered here in the US yet then I can't get that. The forearm phallo though I like it for many reasons is not for me. One of them being I have poor nerves in my left arm and tattoos on it. My right arm is my dominant arm which I would rather not have a scar on. I am 95% sure I will NOT get a forearm phallo but you never know 5% is still there. With that said then my other phallo options are abdominal flap, groin/ hip flap.
My insurance has a procedure cap so I would have to pay for part of my phallo which I would have no problem with because paying a small percentage is better than paying 100% out of pocket. Another thought is that I COULD get a meta FOR NOW (since my ultimate goal will always be a phallo) and then later get my MLD Phallo when I can save the money. Another option is if I get the meta now it will alleviate enough of my dysphoria for me to be able to wait longer to see what other donor sites can be used or can use some regenerative cell techniques to grow to the length I prefer.
So as it stands I am more likely to get a meta. Another reason for this would be I could get it in 1 surgery, 2 at the most depending on if I get my testicular implants done at the same time or separate. Only doing 1 or 2 surgeries would be so much easier to manage with me taking time off of work and having my wife taking time off of work.
BUT
IF I WON THE LOTTERY surgery would be my oyster in that case I would be able to travel and visit more teams and consult with them and see what I can get. I would probably end up going to Serbia for the MLD or if I opt to stay in the US go to Meltzer. Either way I would have options. I would probably go a completely different direction and travel first to see what other things are being done in different parts of the world when it comes to lower surgery. Who knows.
One of my friends recently made fun of me and pretty much called me out for " going back and forth".
Basically he said that he can tell I really want a Phallo but I am "settling for a meta" because it will be easier!
I was mad at him for saying that because it's true. I need to work through that block that I have regarding my meta and phallo decision process so that I am not "settling" as he says.
All I know is if I won the lottery my lower surgery process would be so much easier
Then I think about what I would REALLY want to do with some of the money. That would be have lower surgery. I have been wishing more and more lately that I hit the jackpot so that my lower surgery options would be limitless! Well not limitless but obviously I wouldn't have to worry about money the same way when it comes to having lower surgery.
As it stands now I plan to use insurance which limits the surgeons I can go to and procedures I can have. Since my first choice Phalloplasty is the MLD technique which isn't offered here in the US yet then I can't get that. The forearm phallo though I like it for many reasons is not for me. One of them being I have poor nerves in my left arm and tattoos on it. My right arm is my dominant arm which I would rather not have a scar on. I am 95% sure I will NOT get a forearm phallo but you never know 5% is still there. With that said then my other phallo options are abdominal flap, groin/ hip flap.
My insurance has a procedure cap so I would have to pay for part of my phallo which I would have no problem with because paying a small percentage is better than paying 100% out of pocket. Another thought is that I COULD get a meta FOR NOW (since my ultimate goal will always be a phallo) and then later get my MLD Phallo when I can save the money. Another option is if I get the meta now it will alleviate enough of my dysphoria for me to be able to wait longer to see what other donor sites can be used or can use some regenerative cell techniques to grow to the length I prefer.
So as it stands I am more likely to get a meta. Another reason for this would be I could get it in 1 surgery, 2 at the most depending on if I get my testicular implants done at the same time or separate. Only doing 1 or 2 surgeries would be so much easier to manage with me taking time off of work and having my wife taking time off of work.
BUT
IF I WON THE LOTTERY surgery would be my oyster in that case I would be able to travel and visit more teams and consult with them and see what I can get. I would probably end up going to Serbia for the MLD or if I opt to stay in the US go to Meltzer. Either way I would have options. I would probably go a completely different direction and travel first to see what other things are being done in different parts of the world when it comes to lower surgery. Who knows.
One of my friends recently made fun of me and pretty much called me out for " going back and forth".
Basically he said that he can tell I really want a Phallo but I am "settling for a meta" because it will be easier!
I was mad at him for saying that because it's true. I need to work through that block that I have regarding my meta and phallo decision process so that I am not "settling" as he says.
All I know is if I won the lottery my lower surgery process would be so much easier
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