I really like my new gym

I worked out again tonight and it was AWESOME. Tonight there were a lot more people at the gym but there was still space for me to work out and not have to wait so that reinforced the fact that I made a good pick. I also have a friend who worked out with me 2 times of the 3 times I went to work out and he is turning out to be an awesome gym buddy. In the past my workout buddies have been guys who are already set in their workout routine and they are trying to help me get on one. He hasnt been working out too consistantly either so both of us as basically starting fresh to develop good habits and since we are in the same place I feel it is easier for us to support each other.
I also like the fact that we can workout together on the same muscle group but also separate and do our own thing. In the past I felt pressured by my workout buddies to be their shadow and do exactly as they did if I wanted to see results. I am really liking my new gym and I am kind of sad that I will only be able to work out for a month then I have to stop because of my upcoming surgery. I do plan to put in as much gym time as possible pre-op and after surgery really get in there. I plan to have my body looking the way I want it to by next summer. It is nice now but I want it to be SMOKING next summer. I want heads to turn. lol. Every once in a while a little extra attention is nice.

Survived another "Family" Event on July 3rd, 2010

I was contemplating going to a Birthday party for my cousin, "S"'s children. I went to the Baby shower for my cousin last April and that was the first time anyone on my Father's side had seen me since I began my transition. That worked out well however I was nervous about going this time because my Father would be there this time. In general I never liked seeing him but since he found out about my medical transition he has said many messed up things that has solidified for me that we will never have a relationship and I am done trying to have one. I went back and forth as to whether or not to go and decided in the end to go.

The morning of I was tring to make my last minute travel arrangements. Since I don't drive I would need a ride at least part way or spring for a cab. I managed to swing a ride with my sister-in-law (My brother is a away but she was still attending the even) but came to find out that my cousin from my mother's side of the family was staying at the house this weekend. This particular cousin "J" had not seen me in many years and I wasn't even sure he had even heard about my transition since at the time he was under 18 I know he wasn't in the information loop. I called my Mother for advice and she said she would speak to J and get him up to speed.

Fastforward to later. I am at the train station and my sister-in-law picks me up at the station "J" is in the car and he addresses me as my new legal name which made me happy. He was fine the rest of the day so no worries there. We killed some time at the house and I guess he got used to how I looked now because I caught him "looking at me" less and less throughout the day. He wasn't exactly steering when he thought I wasn't paying attention but moreso assessing my features. It was fine.

Eventually we get to the Event and all of my family who saw me last year for the first time was there and they were fine. One of my Aunts who wasn't there last time was there this time. She looked like she was "stuck" for a minute. I think it was because I look so male and because I look like my brother so much if it wasn't for the difference in height and the fact I don't wear glasses people would confuse us far more often from a distance. I feel like this Aunt may have heard from my other Aunts some mixed version as to how my appearance might be "different" but I don't think she was expecting me to look make but more like a "woman in men's clothes and no hair" she was very suprised at the reality of me. I may be jumping to conclusions but her face said it all. She tried not to be obvious but I have seen the look from others who saw me for the first time since my medical transition so it is safe to say if I am not all right at least I am partially right as to what was going on in her mind.

I'm at the event for a while so all of that was good. I guess I should mention my daughter was with me but my wife wasn't so people were curious about who the baby was and where she came from. I explained that my wife and her adopted her and no one made any off color comments. They were more suprised that I was married and didn't have a big Traditional family wedding than the fact that I was married and to a woman. I expected at least one comment about me not "really" being married but that comment never came. At least I didn't hear it. No one even incinuated the possibility of me having given birth to my daughter which I am happy about. She does look like me but I didn't want people assuming I would have given birth. That may be good for Thomas Beatie and a few guys I know online and in real life but that is not my journey.

The moment of truth came. My father got to the event he was late but he got there along with my step-mother and my 2 half sisters. My sisters have seen me multiple times since my medical transition began and they were fine with it. Both of them were more excited about seeing my daughter and they kind of fought over her because they both wanted to hold her. My step- Mother came over to me and said Hi and gave me a big hug like she always did. She called me the appropriate name then she too was mesmorized by the the powerful cuteness of my daughter and scooped her up. I saw my father watching me from a distanced and I paid him no mind. Several people asked if I went over to say I to him and I made it clear that I was not going to go out of my way to say anything to him but if I happened to pass him then I would say hellp out of respect.
That time came. I said to him "Hello, how are you?" he responded "fine". I said "that's good" and walked away. I didn't make any real eye contact and really didn't want to engage in conversation with him but just went through the motions. The day turned out great. No drama. I made small talk with my Aunts and they were nice and didn't shun me seeing as how that whole side of the family is ULTRA conservative.

I survived another "Family" Event. I don't know how many of the family events I will go to but for this cousin who has always been in my corner I would gladly risk the potential discomfort because I know if my father did come out of his face to me she would have put him in his place.

Meeting new guys

I went to a group that I hadn't been to in a while for several reason. I went in with a open heart and open mind and it was awesome. Good conversation and good people. I met some cool people who I can see myself getting to know but since I am in the mental space of weeding out those who are negative I have to hold off on that but the potential is there. I am happy about that. I want to have more positive people around me. I realized that people as a whole aren't the issue but the negative drama carrying people. I know since I started this blog talking about my "community" issues butI feel myself finally taking steps to make a change and not just TALKING about making a change. We shall see what happens.

Who are my real friends?

I am starting to see who legitimately has my back and who doesn't. The guys who don't have my back some of them are still nice guys and I legitimately like them but not everyone is dependable. Not everyone makes a good friend. Some guys are good drinking buddies but I don't drink so that kind of friendship will fade fast! There are other guys who are good sports buddies. From April til August those guys will be my main amigos! There are also those guys who I can sit and talk with about life! We can be honest and share with each other without feeling judged.
I also find myself building stronger bonds with guys online through my lower surgery journey. I feel like talking to guys who "get it" is awesome. My friends who don't want lower surgery still support me are cool BUT they don't get it so somethings I would want to discuss with them would be out of place I feel.
I really am starting to see who my real friends are. I am also trying to get out of the habit of considering everyone friends just cause we talk or know the same people. I am getting comfortable with calling people my associate or a cool guy I know. There is nothing wrong with that I feel it's real. Some associates have now become friends and some friends have become associates that is part of life.

The thing that does bother me is when people pretend to be my friend or like me to my face (which is usually associated with them trying to get a favor out of me) but behind my back they are negative.
There is nothing anyone can say about me behind my back that will make me feel bad. If you don't like my top surgery so what at least I had surgery that is what was important to me! If you think I am stupid for getting a meta so what?!! If you want to have a say in the matter then pay for it! If you aren't gonna pay then shut the hell up!

I'm learning who my real friends are and connecting one on one with guys who I would like to develop healthy friendships with.

Beautiful Weekend

I had a great weekend. Got to meet a guy in real life I have been talking to for years online. I was so happy to see him because he has become such a good buddy I feel and also since he was in town for top surgery. Another guy I know was in town for top surgery so I hit the hospital up for a 2 for 1!

I had a good day out with the guys playing football, soccer and boxing. I worked up a good sweat with the boxing. Boxing headgear, gloves and 85+ in a park right under the hot sun is not something I would recommend! Fun but tiring.

Then Sunday was Fathers Day! My wife gave me the first part of my give around 1AM which was a bag of little things she knew I would love. Later in the day she took me to one of my favorite seafood Restaurants. I love her for that. She isnt really into seafood like that but she really went out of her way to get reservations and make sure I had a great day which I did.

I truely feel like a lucky man!

Being a married man

I am happy to now have another friend who is a married man who I can relate to who can relate to me as well.

My single friends NEVER understand and my friends in relationships kind of understand but not really.

I was starting to feel like maybe it is just me. It took me hanging with and talking to another guy who is a newly wed to understand what I deal with as a married man.

Navigating married life, socialization and all things take balance and it is good to have someone around who I can explain it too and they get it without over explaining. It is also good to not be the only "dead man walking" "married guy" in the bunch.

Saturday, May 1st recap- Lots of fun!

Yesterday was an AWESOME DAY!

I hung out with about 20 awesome people. There was soccer, boxing, good conversation and a ton of laughs in the park.

I got to test out my new boxing gloves and the headgear. The boxing gloves were awesome but the headgear... not so much. I think that had to do with the fact that we were boxing in 80+ degree weather in the park!

Other than that it was good.

Afterwards some of us hung out and I really felt good bonding with one dude in particular. We have known each other casually for about 5 years yet we talked more in this one night than we have in all those years. I came to realize that we had more in common than we thought!
It was really nice and talking to him made me realize a lot. THANKS MAN!

I had a good time TRYING to play pool, eating food and all that extra stuff afterwards.

Weekend of MEN!

I am enjoying my "MANLY" Weekend. Saturday I went to my soccer/football/social in the park as usual and it was very fun. Eventhough I felt awesome I didn't run as much because I didn't want to overdo it and end up hurting myself. I did wish I had my boxing gloves(they should be arriving soon).

After that we took a drive into the city which was long but fun. Then FOOD WAS on... Burrito power!
The plan was to go bowling but that was a bust. The place was packed due to parties and other reservations plus the Whack place had a no "boots" rule which sucked because half of us had boots on. We ended up going to play pool which was a BLAST!

It felt awesome talking to guys and hanging with them. Emerged in male energy. The game was on the TV while we were playing pool and inbetween card games were being played with the undertone of old school music. It made me feel like I was at a cookout. The only thing missing was the grill and some dominoes!

It made me realize how much I enjoy male bonding. NOT transmale bonding but male bonding. Bonding as just men in the world who enjoy life not bonding over a transition of sorts. Hell who is to say who in the group was trans, not trans or anything of the sort. We were just a bunch of dudes out on a saturday night having fun! I LOVED IT!

Recap- Saturday, April 10th,2010 - 4 days post hysto

Yesterday, Saturday April 10th was a good day for me. I was out of the house for the longest amount of time since my hysto. I was out for about 10 hours and I loved it all! I went out to my Football/Soccer/fun in the sun meet up. I didn't play but I watched and talked to some other guys who came out just to watch. After we went back to one of the guys house and I got to see one of his "projects" which had my senses VERY stimulated. I also got on his mic and freestyled a little but by the time I was really warmed up I opted to go home so that I didn't get home too late. Usually I would go home late and not worry but since it was only 4 days since surgery I decided to be good. My wife did get worried and started to give me the whole "You-were-to-come-straight-howme" speech on the phone. When I got home I thought she was going to be MAD but she was happy to see I was home and fine.
I am really amazed at how great I feel. To be honest I sometimes forget I had surgery. The only reminders I have is the surgical glue on my abdomen and my bladder spasm when I go to the bathroom. This next part might be a little TMI.
It doesn't hurt exactly but it feels uncomfortable which I know is to be expected. When I am done using the bathroom the spasms stop and I am fine again.

I was so busy having fun I forgot to buy my powerball ticket but my numbers didn't hit. Well 2 of them hit but not the important numbers so I didn't miss out. I would have been really upset if I didn't buy the ticket and my numbers hit.
I have my lower surgery plan very clear in my head and I am totally happy with the plan I have made. The more days that pass by the more right at peace I feel with it. It will all be unveiled soon enough for now. It makes sense in my head and that is all that matters.

So much on my mind and so much to do!

HYSTO

As I have been talking about my hysto is coming! Only 6 days left! Totally ready for it to come so I can be finally rid of these parts I should have NEVER had.


LIVER
After that I have to see if they could figure out those "mystery spots" on my liver. To this day my labs are perfect. Liver function- fine. Liver enzymes-Fine. ALL labs- Fine. I feel perfectly FINE! Just these random spots. They think they are only liver "birthmarks" (The medical term is Focal Nodular Hyperplasia). They aren't dangerous they dont grow they are just there. They just have to check again to be sure they are definitely this and not something more serious. 10 days after my hysto I have to follow up with the liver doc. I am glad that he was willing to clear me for surgery. I used my powers of pursuasion but he was already pretty for it anyways. I did point out that if I had to stop T how it would be great for me to not have those parts making me sick both physically and emotionally. I hope to get this out the way so I can continue down the road to my lower surgery. Having continued concerning liver issues would delay that and maybe even hault lower surgery if they feel I am not safe enough to undergo anesthesia BUT I am optimistic and sure that all is fine. It has to be!

*Just a side note the liver issue was not caused by me being on T they issue I am having is more linked to estrogen and they feel it may have to do with when I was pre-T Docs giving me all sorts of estrogen and birth control pills to try and deal with "reproductive issues" as well as "feminize me".


My Forum

I have my forum coming up in May for guys in my area so while I am home recovering from my hysto I plan to do more outreach for that and solidify plans regarding the food and stuff.


Clinic

I need to make some decision regarding the future of the trans clinic I have started. Though it has been great for all the trans people it has helped it has been a major headache for me lately. I plan to meet about some issues and have a few needed "conversations" to hopefully alleviate some of the headache. I am proud that we just celebrated our one year mark and are doing REALLY well way better than anyone expected. Then again I have high expectations so I expected nothing less that is why though it is "good" I want it to be better and I see areas of opportunity where it can be made better.


Conferences

I am presenting at 2 upcoming conferences. One in May and One in June so it is time to prepare for those.

Lower surgery

I discussed this like 50 million times since I started this blog so basically I just need to move forward so that I can set a date and do what I need to do in that area.


Social life

I have some dudes that I need to hang out with. I have been better lately about finding time for QUALITY time with guys I want to build meaning full friendships with instead of spending Quantity time with a bunch of guys who I have nothing in common with other than medical transition.
I am looking forward to Soccer/ football/Social in the park starting back up. This will be the 4th year we have done this and I love it! We go from April to August having fun every Saturday that it isn't raining. This is SOOO much fun. Just getting out of the house. Not worrying about work or any other obligations but just relaxing having a good time with some good guys!


Family life

I am enjoying the fact that I have found a way to balance time with my AMAZING wife (she occassionally reads, lol) and my new sweet daughter. I enjoy being a family man.


DAMN I have a lot I am doing. I need a REAL vacation!

That's all for now!