My last day as a Pre-op man

Today was an interesting day.

Got up early because my body hasn't adjusted to the time zone change. Tried to go back to sleep but I was too wired and afraid I might oversleep and miss my appointment.

I had a decent breakfast at the hotel. I'm staying at the Best Western. I hear that for Patients of Dr. Bowers it is the next best thing to the morning after house. It has a Fridge and microwave in the room which helps cut down on food expenses and allows for keeping healthier foods handy.

My daughter was playing with my Blackberry which has now disappeared. I don't know if she threw it in the Garbage, lost it in the sheets, ate it or it got sucked into a black hole. Whereever it is I can't find it in this room. I'm going to check in the morning to see if it was found in the laundry but chances are she threw it away.
I was worried about it at first but to be honest I have more important things to worry about. Luckily it is insured and a business phone. Though it will suck to not have all those business numbers, I still have my iphone. I will get those numbers back one way or another. Plus I can have the phone here in 2 days.

After that very eventful morning Janet from Dr. Bowers' office came to get us so I could have my pre-op appointment.
I went to Dr. Bower's office first and met Robin (she is the coordinator for the office). Robin gave me some papers to take across to the hospital (one for anesthesia and some for admitting). Honestly the hospital is right across the parking lot so it wasn't very far.
When I went across to the Hospital I met with a woman from the Anesthesia department to make sure my medical history forms were still correct (I submitted them a few months back) and to discuss what will happen anesthesia wise tomorrow before and during surgery. She also told me to shave my genitals as much as possible and what I miss they will give a touch up on right before surgery.

I then went over to admitting and took a number. While I was waiting I ran into a patient of Dr. Bowers who I connected to online. She was having surgery tomorrow as well which is why we said we would try and find one another. We are also staying in the same hotel which is cool.
While we were talking she told me that since she is having vaginoplasty she isn't allowed to eat for the rest of the day (she was only allowed a light breakfast today) and she will have to take a bowel prep solution called "golytely" (pronounce GO LIGHTLY). We joked about the name of it and she told me how she envied me only for the fact that I didn't have to have a bowel prep and I could eat all day up until midnight. The only thing that I have to do is drink extra fluids mainly for 2 reasons. 1) It is good to be hydrated to promote healing 2) Colorado is in the mountains and the air is really dry in general plus it's summer!

My number was finally called and I went to see the woman in admitting. They took some of the papers Robin sent me over with. The woman in Admitting made copies of my insurance card and ID. She had the letter from my insurance saying they would be paying for my surgery which is why she needed copies of my ID and cards. We also did my Healthcare proxy and living will forms. (This made my wife a little uneasy and she got teary eyed because she doesn't like to think of something bad happening to me).
I reviewed all the info we went over in admitting and signed the forms. I was given a wristband just for today for my labs to be done.
Shortly after I left admitting I was called to do labs. The lab tech had the usual difficulties getting my blood as all people do, she eventually got it and I was done.

We went to the hospital cafetaria because I still had to go back and see Dr. Bowers. We were hungry and had time to kill. The cafeteria was small and simple. They didn't have as many food options as we city folk are used to but we found something that looked good and it was good.

We went over to Dr. Bowers office where I filled out more papers. Robin checked my blood presure, weight and asked me a few questions. I was then placed in a room to wait for Dr. Bowers. I had met her several times before but this was the first time I was seeing her for an entirely personal reason.
When she came in and saw it was me she gave me a big hug. She knows me more in a professional capacity because I started my own clinic and I had them fly her into NYC about a year ago for grand rounds. She is used to my Trans community advocacy name, which is why she didn't realize it was me by looking at the chart. We caught up a little then it was down to business.
She told me that she has done about 20 ring Metas so far. She said when she first started doing them she use to also use a suprapubic catheter but stopped for a while. After she stopped using them a few guys had complications so she is back to using them and since she has been using them again things have been good.
All that to say. I will have a suprapubic catheter. I'm not thrilled about it but I'd rather have that than have complications so it is what it is.
I then got undressed from the waist down and she looked at my goods to see what she had to work with. She said that I had good length. She was excited and made a joke about how it is interesting that her African American patients tend to have more to work with on average. That made me smile despite the fact she was between my legs.
She said the plan is for me to stay 2 nights in the hospital but some guys feel good enough to leave after the first night. She said we will see how I feel and go from there. She also told me that surgery is about 3.5 hours. I will be her second surgery of the day so I am to arrive around 9:30AM. Since I did all my admission stuff today tomorrow will basically consist of me arriving, registering, changing clothes, IV then out like a light! Wake up and BAM I'm swinging low! lol. I am really happy. I feel all sorts of stuff right now. I will admit I am a little nervous moreso because it doesn't feel real yet. I am sure when I wake up it will feel real.

I will try and post briefly tomorrow night but chances are the good stuff won't be posted until later in the week! Just a few more hours to go!

Less than 24 hours til I leave

I am really procrastinating on this packing. I wish I could just hop on the plane without carrying anything. I know I will pack before it is too late. I have to be on the plane in 20 hours which means I have a solid 17 hours to pack. I only need 20 minutes to make sure I have everything. I don't need much since I am not going to be wearing pants for most of the time or even underwear for that matter. Just a few shirts and some flipflops and I am good to go.

I am spending time playing with my daughter right now because she is active and in 3 days I won't really be able to hold her (unless she is sleeping)since her favorite thing to do is jump in my lap which won't be too fun right after surgery.

My wife went to get some personal items and do her hair. lol. So it's me and the little silly relaxing and procrastinating on packing.

My Mother isn't coming

That's right my Mother is not coming with me when I go for lower surgery. I am not disappointed but actually relieved because I was starting to stress over whether or not she was really ready to deal with me being post lower surgery. I think mentally she might be but I feel her being there will cause her to feel the need to nurse me and I was feeling weird about my Mother seeing my penis. I will see her though about 3 weeks after surgery so I will post on that.

The reason why she can't go is because of her time off from work situation. She already had something planned 2 weeks before my sugery and she can't get approval for both things and I wouldn't ask her to miss the other think she had planned. I gess the universe has a way of working these things out!

Survived another "Family" Event on July 3rd, 2010

I was contemplating going to a Birthday party for my cousin, "S"'s children. I went to the Baby shower for my cousin last April and that was the first time anyone on my Father's side had seen me since I began my transition. That worked out well however I was nervous about going this time because my Father would be there this time. In general I never liked seeing him but since he found out about my medical transition he has said many messed up things that has solidified for me that we will never have a relationship and I am done trying to have one. I went back and forth as to whether or not to go and decided in the end to go.

The morning of I was tring to make my last minute travel arrangements. Since I don't drive I would need a ride at least part way or spring for a cab. I managed to swing a ride with my sister-in-law (My brother is a away but she was still attending the even) but came to find out that my cousin from my mother's side of the family was staying at the house this weekend. This particular cousin "J" had not seen me in many years and I wasn't even sure he had even heard about my transition since at the time he was under 18 I know he wasn't in the information loop. I called my Mother for advice and she said she would speak to J and get him up to speed.

Fastforward to later. I am at the train station and my sister-in-law picks me up at the station "J" is in the car and he addresses me as my new legal name which made me happy. He was fine the rest of the day so no worries there. We killed some time at the house and I guess he got used to how I looked now because I caught him "looking at me" less and less throughout the day. He wasn't exactly steering when he thought I wasn't paying attention but moreso assessing my features. It was fine.

Eventually we get to the Event and all of my family who saw me last year for the first time was there and they were fine. One of my Aunts who wasn't there last time was there this time. She looked like she was "stuck" for a minute. I think it was because I look so male and because I look like my brother so much if it wasn't for the difference in height and the fact I don't wear glasses people would confuse us far more often from a distance. I feel like this Aunt may have heard from my other Aunts some mixed version as to how my appearance might be "different" but I don't think she was expecting me to look make but more like a "woman in men's clothes and no hair" she was very suprised at the reality of me. I may be jumping to conclusions but her face said it all. She tried not to be obvious but I have seen the look from others who saw me for the first time since my medical transition so it is safe to say if I am not all right at least I am partially right as to what was going on in her mind.

I'm at the event for a while so all of that was good. I guess I should mention my daughter was with me but my wife wasn't so people were curious about who the baby was and where she came from. I explained that my wife and her adopted her and no one made any off color comments. They were more suprised that I was married and didn't have a big Traditional family wedding than the fact that I was married and to a woman. I expected at least one comment about me not "really" being married but that comment never came. At least I didn't hear it. No one even incinuated the possibility of me having given birth to my daughter which I am happy about. She does look like me but I didn't want people assuming I would have given birth. That may be good for Thomas Beatie and a few guys I know online and in real life but that is not my journey.

The moment of truth came. My father got to the event he was late but he got there along with my step-mother and my 2 half sisters. My sisters have seen me multiple times since my medical transition began and they were fine with it. Both of them were more excited about seeing my daughter and they kind of fought over her because they both wanted to hold her. My step- Mother came over to me and said Hi and gave me a big hug like she always did. She called me the appropriate name then she too was mesmorized by the the powerful cuteness of my daughter and scooped her up. I saw my father watching me from a distanced and I paid him no mind. Several people asked if I went over to say I to him and I made it clear that I was not going to go out of my way to say anything to him but if I happened to pass him then I would say hellp out of respect.
That time came. I said to him "Hello, how are you?" he responded "fine". I said "that's good" and walked away. I didn't make any real eye contact and really didn't want to engage in conversation with him but just went through the motions. The day turned out great. No drama. I made small talk with my Aunts and they were nice and didn't shun me seeing as how that whole side of the family is ULTRA conservative.

I survived another "Family" Event. I don't know how many of the family events I will go to but for this cousin who has always been in my corner I would gladly risk the potential discomfort because I know if my father did come out of his face to me she would have put him in his place.

I told my brothers

After blogging up a storm and posting up a storm online last night I decided to mention to my brothers that I was having surgery and let it go from there. I have 2 brothers. The older of the 2 is really conservative and a church Deacon (I will refer to him as BB for Bigger Brother). The other is more laid back and down to earth(Who I refer to as BH= Bighead as I so affectionately call him).

I sent BB a text (We communicate better via text) asking him about some family stuff coming up and to see when he might be free to talk. He told me that the times that I was going to try and see him he will be out of the country for a mission trip. I told him I wanted to try and talk to him face to face. It didn't seem like it was going to happen so I just let him know I'm having surgery in a few weeks. He asked if everything was okay since I did have a liver scare back in December (which turned out to be nothing). I told him that I was having "THE surgery". I used those words because I knew he would get the picture. He replied by saying that he though I already had it. When I was having top surgery I just told him I was having a transition related surgery and left it at that. I know discussing this stuff makes him feel awkward so I didn't tell him what so I understand the confusion since he knows nothing about transition related surgeries and would never look it up. Also since I had top surgery he knows someone saw me at a urinal so I guess he assumed I already had genital surgery for that reason as well. I explained to him that there are multiple surgery related to the "medical process" and he said ok. I didn't want to give him too much info but wanted him to feel in the loop. I also know he would respect the fact that I am telling him as opposed to him hearing through the grapevine (MY MOTHER!) He did appreciate that. I told him if I he had any questions I am open to answering them and if he didn't want to discuss it any more that was fine too but I wanted to leave the opportunity for communication open. He said that he appreciated that and might have a few minor questions but nothing too much because all of this is awkward for him. BB has been great at referring to me as his brother and using male pronouns when we are around other people. He also consistantly uses my name and even wished me a Happy Father's Day. I know it is hard for him at times due to his faith and feeling conflicted but I know he loves me enough to accept me for me which I appreciate.

I sent BH a text basically saying that I wanted him to know that I was having surgery in August. He also immediately thought it was related to the previously mentioned health scare. I told him know I am just getting "The big surgery". I used this term because when I told him I was medically transitioning he asked if I was gonna get "the big surgery". At that time I told him I will let him know what is going on as it becomes relevant.
Today while we were texting he asked if I was sure I want to do that. I told him yes I am very sure and I waited this long to make sure I made the right decision for me. He said that as long as I am sure that's what I want to do and I'm happy then I have his blessing. I wasn't really seeking his blessing but it is nice that he gave it anyway. I asked him if he had any questions to let me know. He said he has enough info so he doesn't have any questions and we are good! (He love bloody horror movies but medical bloody stuff and needles freak him out so he doesnt like discussing any type of surgery which I understand). He just wants me to let him know when I go and make sure he gets a text or call to let him know everything is okay when I get out.

I was so nervous about how to approach telling them and what the outcome would be. I am glad that I finally got that out of the way. If either of them does come with questions I will probably blog about that conversation in case it might help other guys. The countdown continues!

Lower surgery Update- June 1st,2010 and some other stuff.

Well today was a BIG day! I got my surgery date! *Does happy dance!* Only thing is that it was bitter sweet because the surgeon's assistant was willing to give me a surgery date that was closer which is what I really wanted. It would have worked out to be a date either within 2 days of my B-day or a week after my B-day. Unfortunately since I am still waiting for the insurance payment stuff to be figured out I decided to be safe and schedule for early 2011 (No, I am not telling the date yet!)

I did look into possibly getting a medical loan but that is not a feasable option for me right now but who knows I may explore it if other things don't work out.

Since the surgeon's already explicitly told me that they would adjust how much I have to pay based on what my insurance agrees to pay as the rate. I am even more committed to getting this rate in writing and to my surgeon's office.
My insurance isnt BIG NAME INSURANCE BUT when I am outside of my area It rolls over to BIG NAME INSURANCE in a way so I use BIG NAME INSURANCE providers (which this surgeon is) AND my insurance pays the BIG NAME INSURANCE rate. Since my insurance isnt directly BIG NAME INSURANCE that is what makes getting the rate trickier because usually when someone uses an BIG NAME INSURANCE provider they just pay the BIG NAME INSURANCE rate after the fact and if they don't know the rate they ask at that time.

Lucky for me I made nice with the Associate Director of Claims when I was waiting for my prior Authorization a few weeks back and I called her to ask how I go about resolving this matter. I explained that I need the rates or I have to pay upfront. She was upset not with me but at the fact that the rate was holding things up. She sent an email to whoever manages the linkage agreement between my primary insurance and BIG NAME INSURANCE.
I was told that they will make sure to get those rates to either me or my surgeon. If that happens then I will be good to go!

Since surgery is really in the works and almost set I decided to have a conversation with my Mother about this. My Mother in the beginning of my transition process was very Anti- medical transition. Since top surgery she has made a lot of progress but I wasn't sure if this would be too much for her. I called her and told her that I am planning surgery for my "basement" (My Grandmother's term for genital region). My Mother was very calm and mellow. She asked a few questions. She was timid at first then said that since we were at a good place in our relationship she didn't want to ask me anything to make me feel uncomfortable. She is in the medical feild so I explained it to her in medical terms and that made it easier for her. I told her ask anything that she wants and if it is "too much" I will let her know. She asked a few more questions about "function" and she was actually surprised that I wasn't getting a Phalloplasty (Once I explained to her the difference between a phallo and a meta). I did leave the door open to let her know that I am getting a meta for now BUT if for some reason I do not feel complete AND/or technology changes I can still get the Phallo in the future. She basically said, "It's good to leave your options open and you are young too!"

I went into the conversation feeling nervous not knowing what she would say or if she would try and talk me out of it. That was not the case. She wanted to get info on the surgery that I was getting, the surgeon I chose (probably so she could check credentials. That is something my Mother would do), She even asked if I would need anything. I dont want to ask her for the money because I want to be an adult about this BUT if things are getting close I am open to seeing if she will co-sign a loan if needed.
I did invite her to come. I thought she would be nervous or not want to but she was excited and honored that I would want her to be part of such a huge thing. She is already "planning" to take Family Medical Leave and help out where needed.

I am excited too. Today was a GREAT day!

Life is moving forward

I will keep it as brief as possible by sectioning things off. Here we go!

Hysto

Day 7 post Hysto and I am doing GREAT! No pain just the mild discomfort still upon urination due to bladder spasms which are fading. No bleeding to date.

Lower surgery

I called my insurance regarding the letter the conversation was very good, better than I thought it would go. My documentation has to be reviewed and I may need to update some paperwork but things are looking good. No matter what I am happy I went forward with the submission of documents. I called surgeon's office to follow up regarding the conversation and things on their end. Things on their end is looking up.

Higher Education

I was going to put off my application process for the Master's Progam I wanted to do but decided to take the plunge. My application is already submitted and everything has been a go. I hope to hear soon. I have been wokring on this half assed for over a year but decided to confirm my desire to enroll in the program and hopefully I can get started soon. It seems like I am doing a lot but it is just enough.

Physical Fitness

I was going to get a family gym membership because my wife and I both need to work out more. We discussed it and decided to enhance our "home gym" (which so far consists of yoga mats, cardio rope, dumbells, curl bar, ab slide,, exercise ball, iron gym and perfect push up). The "enhancement" will lead to me getting some boxing gloves which I was interested in getting anyway. Once I can commit to doing it at home then I can revisit the formal gym issue. With the baby, the potential return to school and need for actual sleep I think this would be the best option. Plus I have my biological brother and enough friends with gym memberships that If I really need a formal gym day several have offered to have me go to their gym with them as a guest on the weekends and my days off.

Liver health

I have my appointment friday to see if those silly doctors will finally leave me alone OR if they would like to do more test to figure out why my liver looks crazy on imaging but lab wise I am still in awesome health. Nomral liver function, normal liver enzymes, All labs normal not one lab too low or too high. It has been like that for a long time. Specifically the past 5 months it has been checked it has been the same.

That's all for now! Life is moving forward

My wife

I really wanted to just say that I am married to an amazing woman who supports me in all that I do. I feel like she is my rock. I am truely blessed to have her.

*Don't tell her though it might go to her head!