The hurdles keep on coming!

I received an email today from the insurance person at the surgeon's office for my lower surgery. Basically it says that NOW (after all these weeks) that she realizes that the surgeon is no longer in network. WTH?!!?!? The email goes on to say the surgeon's fee alone is $11,000+ that I have to "pre-pay". Then on top of that they don't even know yet if the hospital is going to have me "pre-pay" so that will be more $$$$. I know that my penis is an investment and that is an investment I am willing to make. I just wish I had this information before I made my "in good faith" deposit to schedule a surgery date. Mind you this "deposit" is non-refundable. If I knew this was going to happen I would have used the deposit to a plane ticket to have a consult with another surgeon or even 2 that I was interested who are more UP FRONT about their insurance stuff.

I am going to go back to the drawing board and see what I am willing to compromise and what I am not willing to compromise. I may continue with this surgeon on this path and then again I may decide not to go that route at all and go a completely different direction. Honestly I am considering holding off all together and going overseas. If I am going to pay any large amount of money might as well get exactly what I want and for a reasonable amount which I know I can get overseas from very good Doctors.

My maleness is adapting

I always say myself as a man pre-Transition. When I began to seek out medical transition I had a vague view of what Kind of man I would be in the world. I was just happy to finally be seen in the world as a man.

Now that I am seen 100% as the man I knew myself to be life feels new and a little weird. I am a man yet sometimes I feel like a lost boy.
I am very mature. I have my own Non-profit, my own home, a wife and child yet sometimes I feel like a boy trying to find his way in the world. Part of it I feel has to do with the fact that I never really had a childhood muchless a boyhood. Sometimes I feel that lack of childhood has helped me get to where I am. Independent, determined and focused. I feel wise beyond my years yet lost at times.

I have been struggling with this lately especially due to the fact that as I near my lower surgery which will feel like the major closing of a chapter in my life (transitioning) I also feel a weight lifting.

I have really been reflecting alot on life and I am focusing a lot more on the Quality of the relationships I have over the quantity.

I felt so happy to be able to be out of my old body and more comfortable relating to people that I was willing to befriend everyone. I am learning not all people deserve my friendship. Not all people are good friends.

I have been hanging out more and more with people I know and am getting closer with some people while moving away from others.

Just because we know the same people, both have transition histories and or like each other does not a friendship make!

I am a habitual people pleaser. I always want to see people happy and having a good time even if I have to sacrifice myself to do so. That is changing. I feel stronger and more confident saying "NO" and moving in a different direction from the crowd.

I used to fear going back to being alone and isolated but I know I will never be alone or isolated. I need to let that fear go.

I feel that my maleness has more direction and that I am in my teenager year a little now but realizing where I want to be and where I am going. I am focusing my energy on how to get there.

As a man it is time for me to put away childish ways and move forward. I am young but life is too short.

I feel like my maleness is adapting and that is okay!

Lower surgery most recent thoughts and ramblings

I have been thinking over all my surgical options. A few weeks back I blogged about the list of 8 surgeons who are covered by my insurance. Weeks ago before seeing this list I submitted my insurance for a surgeon who does meta because I was pretty set on NOT waiting til the MLD in serbia for lower surgery. I figured that I wanted NEEDED lower surgery ASAP so that I wouldn't kill someone. I figured meta would work. As I researched more phallo options stood out to me and I was finally finding more guys who had success with different techniques here in the US that I often thought was not possible due to the myths.

Let the ranting begin

Now I have one surgeon locally willing to start my phallo ASAP since he takes my insurance and I already consulted with him. He requires his patients to have hysto first which I just had so as early as 6 weeks from hysto he starts planning the stages. I was nervous about sensation because he has experience doing Forearm which I really wanted to stay away from for several reasons. The reasons being 1)I have tattoos on my non- dominant arm which is usually the one they use 2) I didn't want a visible scar 3) The nerves in my non- dominant arm are all weird anyway and I have funny tactile sensation issues so the benefits of the forearm phallo probably wouldn't be there for me anyway so why should I risk it? 4) My arms are extremely hairy and I am not interested in electrolysis.

He offers groin/HIP flap and abdominal. I decided that I would stay away from abdominal. I am leaning more towards a HIP/Groin flap phallo if I get phallo done in the US.

I REALLY WANT AND MLD phallo because it appeals to me on several levels. Sensation, scar placement and lack of the need for electrolysis BUT to be honest after doing my research all of these things are possible for me to get here in the US with the Groin/HIP flap depending on what I discuss with my surgeon MY needs can be met on home soil.

The thing is that if I get a phallo that's really it surgeries done and I really can't benefit from a lot of the new technology/techniques that are up and coming.

I have been pumping and seeing good results with that. I recently been talking to other friends who religiously pump and seeing the Meltzer presentation again with the guys who has gotten a good amount of size from pumping is rather inspiring. Also with the strattice stuff going on and the regenerative cell stuff being kicked around it makes me feel like I am young enough to benefit from other advances in lower surgery in the future even 10 or 20 years from now. I am married to so my needs are different than if I were single and on the prowl I think. All of that makes me consider getting a meta because it will alleviate immediate disphoria and if I am still having a hard time coping even with pumping then I can get a phallo later or benefit from the strattice stuff happening. Meta would allow me to have less surgeries (if all things go well) and still allow me to get more size and whatever else I feel I need in the future if I need something. Meta leaves the road ahead open while phallo doesn't it is the period at the end of the sentence for me it feels. I want my medical transition to be over with so that seems appealing as well ending the surgical part of this journey.

I also have a daughter and I want to be done with transition related surgeries before she is old enough to ask questions. She is only 6 months old so I think I have a good 5 years to work it all out on my own time line.

As I stated in the beginning insurance paperwork has been submitted for a meta but that doesn't mean that is the final answer. Insurance already replied requesting more documentation which was submitted so we shall see where things go with that. In the mean time I have more time to "figure it all out" which I have.

I have a clear plan A and plan B in my head with a possible plan C.

I will add that Dr. Perovic passing away affected my initial plan I had set 2 weeks ago. Some other things happening in the US healthcare system and with guys that I know has left me reworking my plans as well with more optimism. It all doesn't seems so stiffling anymore.

The hysto in itself alleviated much dysphoria and pain. I am in less pain 5 days post hysto than I was prior to my hysto (I had endometriosis and chronic pain). I feel that being in less pain makes things less stressful and allows me to think more clearly.
This rant though all over and confusing honestly has me feeling very clear headed. Funny how my mind works.

Seems like I made my decision? Maybe but life happens so only time will tell the end result.

Community!

I think people use this word a little too loosely. I personally put it in quotes all the time because I think it is a little of a joke to say it. I do not feel that the "Commmunity" is very unified. Between all the flame wars and differences in values, views and opinions I think it can be a little sticky.

In some situations I do feel there is a "community" among people medically transitioning but it is a far cry from the "we are all united" thing people try to make it out to be. There are always wars going on about one thing or the other.

Stealth Vs. Not stealth
Male Privelege Vs. Feminist mentality
Lower surgery Vs. No lower surgery
Pre- transition Vs. later in/ post transition
blah vs. Blah

All of the for mentioned things are legitimate conversations to have BUT there are always those knuckleheads FOOLS that believe will should all agree because we are a community! Just cause we take a similar medication and have similar medical procedures does not mean that we have the same experience! Get over it people WE ARE NOT ALL THE SAME! I don't even like most transmen/ transitioned men/ transmasculine individuals! Why should I? Just because you have a certain label does not make you someone I like or even want to know! I give people a chance but I don't want to sit around and talk about transition all the time! Unless I am asking or answering a question briefly in an online community I really would rather just discuss life stuff.

I have a LIFE not a LIFESTYLE and I think that is what people try and use interchangeably which leads to problems. I do not eat sleep and breathe transness!
When I am with my wife I am not thinking about transition!
When I am with my daughter I am not thinking about transition!
When I am working I am not thinking about transition!
When I am out to the movies I am not thinking about transition!

To be honest I really don't think about "transition" issues unless I am online or I am naked (which is usually reserved for hygenic rituals such as bathing!)

I just wanted to put that out there!

What do you guys think about the "Community"? I look forward to your comments.