Lower surgery most recent thoughts and ramblings

I have been thinking over all my surgical options. A few weeks back I blogged about the list of 8 surgeons who are covered by my insurance. Weeks ago before seeing this list I submitted my insurance for a surgeon who does meta because I was pretty set on NOT waiting til the MLD in serbia for lower surgery. I figured that I wanted NEEDED lower surgery ASAP so that I wouldn't kill someone. I figured meta would work. As I researched more phallo options stood out to me and I was finally finding more guys who had success with different techniques here in the US that I often thought was not possible due to the myths.

Let the ranting begin

Now I have one surgeon locally willing to start my phallo ASAP since he takes my insurance and I already consulted with him. He requires his patients to have hysto first which I just had so as early as 6 weeks from hysto he starts planning the stages. I was nervous about sensation because he has experience doing Forearm which I really wanted to stay away from for several reasons. The reasons being 1)I have tattoos on my non- dominant arm which is usually the one they use 2) I didn't want a visible scar 3) The nerves in my non- dominant arm are all weird anyway and I have funny tactile sensation issues so the benefits of the forearm phallo probably wouldn't be there for me anyway so why should I risk it? 4) My arms are extremely hairy and I am not interested in electrolysis.

He offers groin/HIP flap and abdominal. I decided that I would stay away from abdominal. I am leaning more towards a HIP/Groin flap phallo if I get phallo done in the US.

I REALLY WANT AND MLD phallo because it appeals to me on several levels. Sensation, scar placement and lack of the need for electrolysis BUT to be honest after doing my research all of these things are possible for me to get here in the US with the Groin/HIP flap depending on what I discuss with my surgeon MY needs can be met on home soil.

The thing is that if I get a phallo that's really it surgeries done and I really can't benefit from a lot of the new technology/techniques that are up and coming.

I have been pumping and seeing good results with that. I recently been talking to other friends who religiously pump and seeing the Meltzer presentation again with the guys who has gotten a good amount of size from pumping is rather inspiring. Also with the strattice stuff going on and the regenerative cell stuff being kicked around it makes me feel like I am young enough to benefit from other advances in lower surgery in the future even 10 or 20 years from now. I am married to so my needs are different than if I were single and on the prowl I think. All of that makes me consider getting a meta because it will alleviate immediate disphoria and if I am still having a hard time coping even with pumping then I can get a phallo later or benefit from the strattice stuff happening. Meta would allow me to have less surgeries (if all things go well) and still allow me to get more size and whatever else I feel I need in the future if I need something. Meta leaves the road ahead open while phallo doesn't it is the period at the end of the sentence for me it feels. I want my medical transition to be over with so that seems appealing as well ending the surgical part of this journey.

I also have a daughter and I want to be done with transition related surgeries before she is old enough to ask questions. She is only 6 months old so I think I have a good 5 years to work it all out on my own time line.

As I stated in the beginning insurance paperwork has been submitted for a meta but that doesn't mean that is the final answer. Insurance already replied requesting more documentation which was submitted so we shall see where things go with that. In the mean time I have more time to "figure it all out" which I have.

I have a clear plan A and plan B in my head with a possible plan C.

I will add that Dr. Perovic passing away affected my initial plan I had set 2 weeks ago. Some other things happening in the US healthcare system and with guys that I know has left me reworking my plans as well with more optimism. It all doesn't seems so stiffling anymore.

The hysto in itself alleviated much dysphoria and pain. I am in less pain 5 days post hysto than I was prior to my hysto (I had endometriosis and chronic pain). I feel that being in less pain makes things less stressful and allows me to think more clearly.
This rant though all over and confusing honestly has me feeling very clear headed. Funny how my mind works.

Seems like I made my decision? Maybe but life happens so only time will tell the end result.

Lower surgery and my wife

This evening I shared with my wife the surgeons that I found and decided that we should "talk" about what my possible surgery plans would look like. The entire time I have been thinking about surgery I would ask my wife different things and inform her what I have found and she would always say "Whatever makes you happy" occassionally making comment that a "Phalloplasty would be nice" (for her own purposes) but that if I got a meta that would be fine too. Outside of that she never said much about lower surgery or seems to be interested in any aspect of it. I have discussed with her different surgery results and my concerns and she just took it all in. She went to one lower surgery consult with me but due to her knowing about my level of dysphoria left the room for certain aspects of the consult. (Mostly the exam part). One of the surgeons I was considering she knows and has seen multiple times. The others she has never heard of and outside of the one she went to the consult with me for she couldn't repeat any of their names if she tried.

That all being said tonight when we were having this "talk" I informed her of what I found and my expanding interest in one particular surgeon. I was originally going to go with a particular surgeon as sort of my "safe choice" which would involve me just getting a meta. I already provided the "safe" surgeon's office with my insurance information and everything to be submitted. Tonight my wife said that she knows I really want a phallo and she thinks that after my hysto (Which is in 8 days) go back and see the surgeon again for a free consult (consult was free for me last time because insurance paid for it) then go from there. She stated if the surgeon can do what I NEED (My needs have changed since the last consult) and the insurance stuff works out then it would be worth it because he is closer and if there are any complications I won't really have to travel. If he can't do what I need then see about the other surgeon which is further away.

This really made me feel good eventhough the reality of discussing my need for surgery on my penis is weird with my wife. I thought all this time she was blocking me out or just didn't really care but it shows that she has been listening and eventhough she can't remember all the surgeons names she knows enough about why I am interested in different surgeons to give her opinion on the matter though she respects and encourages the final decision to be mine and mine alone.

Surgeons covered by my insurance

I was going through the list of surgeons that I had in my computer database for the US. I decided to check with my insurance and out of the surgeons below are the ones that are covered.

Daniel Greenwald
Lawrence Gottlieb
Marci Bowers
Nadeem Chaudhry
Alan Neal Wilson
David Gilbert
William M. Kuzon Jr.
Joseph Rosen

Out of this list my choice for a Meta would be Bowers or Chaudhy and for Phallo either Gottlieb or Chaudhry BUT still lots to think about. It is interesting though that 8 surgeons are covered by my insurance for lower surgery.
I don't know about the last 3 Gilbert, Kuzon or Rosen but plan to ask around.

Reclaiming power over my body

I was sitting here relaxing and thinking over some recent blogs I have read as well as concerns I have had. AS my hysto nears I realize that I really need to keep my eye on the prize because 6 weeks after my hysto my plan is to get lower surgery stuff in full swing. I have been making baby steps in that area using the mentality "slow and steady wins the race." I do feel that it is time to really kick things up a notch. As I have blogged before and those of you who chat with me know lower surgery is definitely for me. My "issue" has been that I have been stuck mentally on whether to go straight for my much wanted NEEDED Phalloplasty or get a Metoidioplasty for now hoping that will either alleviate my dysphoria fully or at least "hold me over" until I can get a phalloplasty.

I realized that part of my issue in choosing has been I put in my mind some of the comments people have made in different community forums. I was thinking about this and realizing I was giving people too much power over my body! I was allowing their words to influence what I felt that I NEEDED for lower surgery. I thought about this and realized that it was giving people power still that I vowed to take away when I started my medical transition. Also I found myself seeking some sort of "validation" from other guys in the community. I was either doing this by seeking reassuring comments or using other people's lower surgery experiences to dictate how I feel. By that I mean if someone in a group posted about how they wanted a phallo but got a meta first and no longer feel the need for a phallo I would use that to tell myself "I won't need the phallo once I get the meta." I was trying to live vicariously through them to simplify the reality of MY struggle. That is their truth but I have to really look at "will that be my truth?" Same thing for my concerns regarding going straight to Phallo and if I go straight for a phallo which one should I go straight for? Should I not use insurance and just save the money to get the MLD phallo? Should I use insurance and get another type of phallo because it would mean surgery sooner rather than later? I post all these questions and usually expect someone to chime in with a proposed answer but I am realizing that the only one that can answer these questions for myself is ME! When everything is said and done I have to be okay in my own skin. I was born alone and will die alone!

I read someone's blog last night who I have been following for weeks now regarding his lower surgery experience. It has been helpful to me, him sharing everything that he has been going through. The thing that really resonated with me was a part about not allowing societies issues to influence how he feels about his own body. That spoke to me more than anything else and as I read that I felt weight being lifted off of my shoulders.

I, PrettyBoiCris, am officially reclaiming power over my body! I am no longer allowing others to influence what I should do and/or when I should do it. I will do what is right for me, when it is right for me. I will share as much or as little about my decisions and journey as I see fit without feeling guilty or pressure!

Good things are happening!

Ever since I said that I was going to stay away from negativity and drama good things have been happening for me. I believe in Karma and it looks like all the good stuff I have done (and continue to do) is coming back to me. For that same reason as frustrated as I get and as mean as I want to be I never am though I think about it in times of stress and frustration.

" I love all my haters they make me feel greater!"

LMAO! I'm in a good mood today. The drama Kings, Queens and Inbetweens can kick rocks because I'm having a good day.

My allergies are finally easing up which is cool because I usually have one bad allergy bout with the weather change then I am fine for the rest of the year.

In other news I mentioned my hysto looming. It is less than 3 weeks away and I have my pre-surgery clearance in 11 days. I called my insurance regarding the hysto stuff (indirectly) just because I have a feeling something is missing in terms of paperwork and clearance but honestly everything so far is a green light. I just have to be cleared for surgery the week before. I had bloodwork and got other clearance to have surgery but this is more their clearance for me to undergo anesthesia which I already know which anesthesia I can take and how my body reacts and the whole nine yards. I just have to stay calm that day so my heart doesn't do backflips and worries them. lol.

I have been trying to help more guys WHO ARE SERIOUS about bottom surgery get that covered with insurance. For some reason I was helping a guy and forgot that I didn't cross check one surgeon who I was considering for phalloplasty a few months ago. I checked this surgeon back in November but as of December my insurance policy for out of state changed. The way my primary insurance works is that I am covered anywhere in the US when I leave my immediate area it rolls over to a larger more known health plan which so happens to explicity cover trans surgeries pending I meet certain criteria. When I check regarding said surgeon in November his medical facility was covered BUT not his surgeons fees which would have been a lot to come up with though less than paying in full but for around the same amount I could go to Serbia and get the MLD phallo ....But I digress.

So as I was saying in speaking to a another guy trying to help him by pulling up plan information I said let me check which surgeons are covered by my national plan just for the heck of it. There he was along with his medical facility I called today to make sure the insurance page was up to date and my insurance said yes it was. I called the surgeons office and they confirmed that he was in my network and he is taking that insurance. I almost passed the hell out.

Here is the kicker I am already planning with another surgeon BUT I am willing to "switch things up and go with this surgeon if I could get all my ducks in a row.
While I was at it I checked my wife's policy which explicity DOES cover trans surgeries as well but it is only local to our area. I already consulted with the local surgeon who was awesome and knows his stuff. The good thing if I went to him would be that whatever my insurance didn't cover or if they dragged their feet her insurance would pick up with no issues.

This really makes things more confusing. Part of me was going to do the Meta here in the US with insurance then in a few years go for the MLD in serbia or see if it was in the US by then BUT I also like the Hip/Groin flap phallo and have been reading and seeing some amazing this with that.

The surgeon I was planning with was already putting things together so that after my hysto I would already have my date and can just focus on pumping and preparing my mind, body and soul for surgery which would be at the end of the year (christmas gift to myself 8D)

Now I am torn between doing the meta to alleviate some dysphoria for now then going for the MLD as I REALLY REALLY WANT or going for the whole shebang now and getting my phallo with insurance instead of waiting for the MLD. I know before I die if I can help it I want my phallo but at the same time with the baby (wife and I have a little girl via adoption for those who don't know) and other stuff meta would be easier to do right now than stages of a phallo. UGH.

I will focus on my hysto and keep thinking things through regarding my lower surgery decisions. I feel stress but blessed that I have such positive things to be worried about.

Stay tuned!

If I won the lottery ...

Sometimes I sit back and think about what I would do if I won the lottery. I would do the "typical" stuff such as pay off debt, buy a house, secure a future for my family to make sure we could live comfortably off the winnings. The usual stuff.

Then I think about what I would REALLY want to do with some of the money. That would be have lower surgery. I have been wishing more and more lately that I hit the jackpot so that my lower surgery options would be limitless! Well not limitless but obviously I wouldn't have to worry about money the same way when it comes to having lower surgery.

As it stands now I plan to use insurance which limits the surgeons I can go to and procedures I can have. Since my first choice Phalloplasty is the MLD technique which isn't offered here in the US yet then I can't get that. The forearm phallo though I like it for many reasons is not for me. One of them being I have poor nerves in my left arm and tattoos on it. My right arm is my dominant arm which I would rather not have a scar on. I am 95% sure I will NOT get a forearm phallo but you never know 5% is still there. With that said then my other phallo options are abdominal flap, groin/ hip flap.
My insurance has a procedure cap so I would have to pay for part of my phallo which I would have no problem with because paying a small percentage is better than paying 100% out of pocket. Another thought is that I COULD get a meta FOR NOW (since my ultimate goal will always be a phallo) and then later get my MLD Phallo when I can save the money. Another option is if I get the meta now it will alleviate enough of my dysphoria for me to be able to wait longer to see what other donor sites can be used or can use some regenerative cell techniques to grow to the length I prefer.
So as it stands I am more likely to get a meta. Another reason for this would be I could get it in 1 surgery, 2 at the most depending on if I get my testicular implants done at the same time or separate. Only doing 1 or 2 surgeries would be so much easier to manage with me taking time off of work and having my wife taking time off of work.
BUT
IF I WON THE LOTTERY surgery would be my oyster in that case I would be able to travel and visit more teams and consult with them and see what I can get. I would probably end up going to Serbia for the MLD or if I opt to stay in the US go to Meltzer. Either way I would have options. I would probably go a completely different direction and travel first to see what other things are being done in different parts of the world when it comes to lower surgery. Who knows.

One of my friends recently made fun of me and pretty much called me out for " going back and forth".

Basically he said that he can tell I really want a Phallo but I am "settling for a meta" because it will be easier!
I was mad at him for saying that because it's true. I need to work through that block that I have regarding my meta and phallo decision process so that I am not "settling" as he says.

All I know is if I won the lottery my lower surgery process would be so much easier

Not sharing pictures or surgery results

I hear all the time guys saying "I don't see enough pictures of bottom surgery results" some guys even say that they don't see enough top surgery results from guys of color!
Now why is that you might ask? BECAUSE PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET CAN BE RUDE AS HELL!
Now don't get me wrong now EVERYONE is an ass when it comes to respecting people's bodies but some people are!
I know plenty of guys talking about how they "HATE scars" and "top surgery with DI is ugly" and "bottom surgery doesn't look real"(I'll come back to this topic later). Well then DON'T have surgery! Just don't hate on the guys who have and disrespect them. I RARELY share pictures because I am just a private person and though Top surgery did alleviate my dysphoria drastically I am still protective and sensitive about my body at times. I decided to share top surgery photos to show off my tattoo and show another guy of color who had top surgery. Fools.. YES I SAID IT! FOOLS! had the nerve to talk smack about my chest! Well screw you! Don't LOOK! Also I WANTED TO SAY "At least I had surgery and I'm not dragging around quadruple D titties!" As always Mr. Nice guy pops up in me and I don't say that because that would be mean.
Why would I want to share my pictures with people who are gonna be rude?! That is why now I share when I feel like it. Sometimes I share sometimes I don't!
I am planning on having bottom surgery and in terms of surgery results for bottom surgery on guys of color that is like a needle in a hay stack! You can see a few metas sprinkled across the internet but NOT ONE PHALLO! I have spoken to guys of color and Asked them why they don't share their photos. (I knew the answer but still asked)
Guys said "If people can't respect someone's chest which is already senstive to many people WHY would I let them see my penis and say all sorts of disrespectful stuff after I spent thousands of dollars having surgery to feel whole?!"
Point made!
It makes me feel like only showing my dick in safe spaces at conferences that way if someone talks crap I can just DICK SMACK them. lol.
So the next time you are aching to see surgery results blame the loud mouth in the forum with you that doesn't know how to shut the hell up for them not being there!