My maleness is adapting

I always say myself as a man pre-Transition. When I began to seek out medical transition I had a vague view of what Kind of man I would be in the world. I was just happy to finally be seen in the world as a man.

Now that I am seen 100% as the man I knew myself to be life feels new and a little weird. I am a man yet sometimes I feel like a lost boy.
I am very mature. I have my own Non-profit, my own home, a wife and child yet sometimes I feel like a boy trying to find his way in the world. Part of it I feel has to do with the fact that I never really had a childhood muchless a boyhood. Sometimes I feel that lack of childhood has helped me get to where I am. Independent, determined and focused. I feel wise beyond my years yet lost at times.

I have been struggling with this lately especially due to the fact that as I near my lower surgery which will feel like the major closing of a chapter in my life (transitioning) I also feel a weight lifting.

I have really been reflecting alot on life and I am focusing a lot more on the Quality of the relationships I have over the quantity.

I felt so happy to be able to be out of my old body and more comfortable relating to people that I was willing to befriend everyone. I am learning not all people deserve my friendship. Not all people are good friends.

I have been hanging out more and more with people I know and am getting closer with some people while moving away from others.

Just because we know the same people, both have transition histories and or like each other does not a friendship make!

I am a habitual people pleaser. I always want to see people happy and having a good time even if I have to sacrifice myself to do so. That is changing. I feel stronger and more confident saying "NO" and moving in a different direction from the crowd.

I used to fear going back to being alone and isolated but I know I will never be alone or isolated. I need to let that fear go.

I feel that my maleness has more direction and that I am in my teenager year a little now but realizing where I want to be and where I am going. I am focusing my energy on how to get there.

As a man it is time for me to put away childish ways and move forward. I am young but life is too short.

I feel like my maleness is adapting and that is okay!

3 days post hysto and more!

3 days since my hysto and I feel great!Today I ran errands again and felt fine. I was out of the house today for about 6 hours with no issues. I still take a nap during the day but I think that has more to do with my inability to go to bed at a respectable time of night no matter what I do. I am returning to work on monday which will only be 6 days post op. In that case I plan to go to bed at a decent hour. Work doesnt require as much walking as I have been doing the past 2 days so I know I will be fine. I only work 4 days next week anyway.

I have been thinking about my maleness since having my hysto and for some reason in my mind I feel more at ease now that I have rid myself of those unwanted parts. I do not see other guys having those parts as less male but for some reason I feel more at home in my body and more like the man I should be because those parts are gone. I don't feel like I am more male in relation to others but more male in relation to pre surgical myself if that makes sense. I hold different standards, wants and needs for my body and medical transition yet respect other peoples paths/journeys/needs whatever that may be.
Though I still REALLY want NEED lower surgery since having this hysto I feel really calm and at peace. I think it may be the initial Euphoria of it all only time will tell. I am still planning lower surgery but I don't feel the same sense of time crunch/ pressure that I did prior to the hysto. Interesting...

I have been making some business decisions while home that I am very happy with to take my non-profit to the next level. It will allow me to help more peole in the "community" while maintaining more of the boundary that I feel I need for my own personal sanity and safety.