So much on my mind and so much to do!

HYSTO

As I have been talking about my hysto is coming! Only 6 days left! Totally ready for it to come so I can be finally rid of these parts I should have NEVER had.


LIVER
After that I have to see if they could figure out those "mystery spots" on my liver. To this day my labs are perfect. Liver function- fine. Liver enzymes-Fine. ALL labs- Fine. I feel perfectly FINE! Just these random spots. They think they are only liver "birthmarks" (The medical term is Focal Nodular Hyperplasia). They aren't dangerous they dont grow they are just there. They just have to check again to be sure they are definitely this and not something more serious. 10 days after my hysto I have to follow up with the liver doc. I am glad that he was willing to clear me for surgery. I used my powers of pursuasion but he was already pretty for it anyways. I did point out that if I had to stop T how it would be great for me to not have those parts making me sick both physically and emotionally. I hope to get this out the way so I can continue down the road to my lower surgery. Having continued concerning liver issues would delay that and maybe even hault lower surgery if they feel I am not safe enough to undergo anesthesia BUT I am optimistic and sure that all is fine. It has to be!

*Just a side note the liver issue was not caused by me being on T they issue I am having is more linked to estrogen and they feel it may have to do with when I was pre-T Docs giving me all sorts of estrogen and birth control pills to try and deal with "reproductive issues" as well as "feminize me".


My Forum

I have my forum coming up in May for guys in my area so while I am home recovering from my hysto I plan to do more outreach for that and solidify plans regarding the food and stuff.


Clinic

I need to make some decision regarding the future of the trans clinic I have started. Though it has been great for all the trans people it has helped it has been a major headache for me lately. I plan to meet about some issues and have a few needed "conversations" to hopefully alleviate some of the headache. I am proud that we just celebrated our one year mark and are doing REALLY well way better than anyone expected. Then again I have high expectations so I expected nothing less that is why though it is "good" I want it to be better and I see areas of opportunity where it can be made better.


Conferences

I am presenting at 2 upcoming conferences. One in May and One in June so it is time to prepare for those.

Lower surgery

I discussed this like 50 million times since I started this blog so basically I just need to move forward so that I can set a date and do what I need to do in that area.


Social life

I have some dudes that I need to hang out with. I have been better lately about finding time for QUALITY time with guys I want to build meaning full friendships with instead of spending Quantity time with a bunch of guys who I have nothing in common with other than medical transition.
I am looking forward to Soccer/ football/Social in the park starting back up. This will be the 4th year we have done this and I love it! We go from April to August having fun every Saturday that it isn't raining. This is SOOO much fun. Just getting out of the house. Not worrying about work or any other obligations but just relaxing having a good time with some good guys!


Family life

I am enjoying the fact that I have found a way to balance time with my AMAZING wife (she occassionally reads, lol) and my new sweet daughter. I enjoy being a family man.


DAMN I have a lot I am doing. I need a REAL vacation!

That's all for now!

Pre- surgical testing

Since today makes exactly 7 days til my surgery (hysto) I had to go in for my pre-surgical testing. I arrived at 8:30AM since I was told the process takes up to 2 hours since you have to see multiple people.

I filled out the papers with medical history, healthcare proxy and basic demographic info.

I first saw the PA who does the anesthesia clearance stuff. She asked me about my medical history form, allergies and all that jazz. She checked my pressure which was normal despite me being nervous. (Usually when I am nervous my pressure spikes a little). She listened to my chest, check for dentures and asked about my previous surgeries. She asked if I was "transgender" and though I don't identify with this term I just said yes for simplicity sake so I could be done and move on to the next person. I didn't want to be there longer than necessary since I did have to go to work when this was all done.

The clerk called me to the front again to make sure she had the right form regarding what surgery I was being cleared for. She asked me 3 or 4 times while I was standing in front of her for my name and birthdate. She asked who was my doctor and if they gave me a form. I told her she should have the form. I saw that she had the form in her hand. I then realized she was wondering why this hairy raspy (allergies) voiced man was in front of her but the paper was regarding GYN stuff. After her looking at the form, the computer screen then me I guess she put it together or asked the PA whichever and figured it out. I then saw the nurse who went over the procedure I was having. She had the same paper the receptionist previously had so I know they figured it out correctly. The nurse told me to stop taking aspirin ( which I take due to a history of heart problems). I didn't have to get an EKG cause I have no "active" cardiac issues and I had my annual cardiac appointment in the last 6 month. Everything was fine so no need for that. YES! *Does happy dance* Though if I had to do the EKG it would have been fine. I like the fact that I didn't have to take off my shirt and explain my scars which always happens. I also didn't have to have chest hairs pulled out when they remove the little sticky things they use for the EKG.
Anyway the nurse told me where to go the day of surgery. She told me the day before they will call me with the time but if I don't hear anything by a certain time I can call a certain number. She did ask me when was my last period and I must have looked horrified because she said, "I'm sorry for this procedure we routinely ask." I am just glad they didn't ask me if I thought I could be pregnant, because that would have really bothered me. Then again with the whole Thomas Beatie fiasco I could understand them asking I was still glad they didn't.

I then got my blood drawn which was done quickly and I was done by 10 am. I survived! Just 7 more days...

Lower surgery and my wife

This evening I shared with my wife the surgeons that I found and decided that we should "talk" about what my possible surgery plans would look like. The entire time I have been thinking about surgery I would ask my wife different things and inform her what I have found and she would always say "Whatever makes you happy" occassionally making comment that a "Phalloplasty would be nice" (for her own purposes) but that if I got a meta that would be fine too. Outside of that she never said much about lower surgery or seems to be interested in any aspect of it. I have discussed with her different surgery results and my concerns and she just took it all in. She went to one lower surgery consult with me but due to her knowing about my level of dysphoria left the room for certain aspects of the consult. (Mostly the exam part). One of the surgeons I was considering she knows and has seen multiple times. The others she has never heard of and outside of the one she went to the consult with me for she couldn't repeat any of their names if she tried.

That all being said tonight when we were having this "talk" I informed her of what I found and my expanding interest in one particular surgeon. I was originally going to go with a particular surgeon as sort of my "safe choice" which would involve me just getting a meta. I already provided the "safe" surgeon's office with my insurance information and everything to be submitted. Tonight my wife said that she knows I really want a phallo and she thinks that after my hysto (Which is in 8 days) go back and see the surgeon again for a free consult (consult was free for me last time because insurance paid for it) then go from there. She stated if the surgeon can do what I NEED (My needs have changed since the last consult) and the insurance stuff works out then it would be worth it because he is closer and if there are any complications I won't really have to travel. If he can't do what I need then see about the other surgeon which is further away.

This really made me feel good eventhough the reality of discussing my need for surgery on my penis is weird with my wife. I thought all this time she was blocking me out or just didn't really care but it shows that she has been listening and eventhough she can't remember all the surgeons names she knows enough about why I am interested in different surgeons to give her opinion on the matter though she respects and encourages the final decision to be mine and mine alone.

Surgeons covered by my insurance

I was going through the list of surgeons that I had in my computer database for the US. I decided to check with my insurance and out of the surgeons below are the ones that are covered.

Daniel Greenwald
Lawrence Gottlieb
Marci Bowers
Nadeem Chaudhry
Alan Neal Wilson
David Gilbert
William M. Kuzon Jr.
Joseph Rosen

Out of this list my choice for a Meta would be Bowers or Chaudhy and for Phallo either Gottlieb or Chaudhry BUT still lots to think about. It is interesting though that 8 surgeons are covered by my insurance for lower surgery.
I don't know about the last 3 Gilbert, Kuzon or Rosen but plan to ask around.

9 days and counting

Since it is so close I decided to put it out there officially. In 9 days I am scheduled to have my hysto. It will be a TLH BSO. That Means that is will be a Total Laparoscopic Hysterectomy with bilateral salpingo oophorectomy. To further break it down they will be removing everything through a minor incision in my navel there will be no contact or need for them to go anywhere near that "opening" that I despise.

I have my pre suergery medical stuff to do in 2 days. It is basically blood work and for me to discuss any potential issues with anesthesia. I have been under anesthesia 4 times without issue so I know I will be fine.

I feel like I should be nervous but I'm not. At least not yet. I am excited to finally get rid of these parts which I never should have had.
I am more nervous about after the hysto when I really move forward with my lower surgery planning because I still have to figure some aspects of that out. I feel in a better place though regarding that whole process.

For now though I just have to focus on getting through this hysto and we will go from there. As of right now it is 9 days and counting!

Reclaiming power over my body

I was sitting here relaxing and thinking over some recent blogs I have read as well as concerns I have had. AS my hysto nears I realize that I really need to keep my eye on the prize because 6 weeks after my hysto my plan is to get lower surgery stuff in full swing. I have been making baby steps in that area using the mentality "slow and steady wins the race." I do feel that it is time to really kick things up a notch. As I have blogged before and those of you who chat with me know lower surgery is definitely for me. My "issue" has been that I have been stuck mentally on whether to go straight for my much wanted NEEDED Phalloplasty or get a Metoidioplasty for now hoping that will either alleviate my dysphoria fully or at least "hold me over" until I can get a phalloplasty.

I realized that part of my issue in choosing has been I put in my mind some of the comments people have made in different community forums. I was thinking about this and realizing I was giving people too much power over my body! I was allowing their words to influence what I felt that I NEEDED for lower surgery. I thought about this and realized that it was giving people power still that I vowed to take away when I started my medical transition. Also I found myself seeking some sort of "validation" from other guys in the community. I was either doing this by seeking reassuring comments or using other people's lower surgery experiences to dictate how I feel. By that I mean if someone in a group posted about how they wanted a phallo but got a meta first and no longer feel the need for a phallo I would use that to tell myself "I won't need the phallo once I get the meta." I was trying to live vicariously through them to simplify the reality of MY struggle. That is their truth but I have to really look at "will that be my truth?" Same thing for my concerns regarding going straight to Phallo and if I go straight for a phallo which one should I go straight for? Should I not use insurance and just save the money to get the MLD phallo? Should I use insurance and get another type of phallo because it would mean surgery sooner rather than later? I post all these questions and usually expect someone to chime in with a proposed answer but I am realizing that the only one that can answer these questions for myself is ME! When everything is said and done I have to be okay in my own skin. I was born alone and will die alone!

I read someone's blog last night who I have been following for weeks now regarding his lower surgery experience. It has been helpful to me, him sharing everything that he has been going through. The thing that really resonated with me was a part about not allowing societies issues to influence how he feels about his own body. That spoke to me more than anything else and as I read that I felt weight being lifted off of my shoulders.

I, PrettyBoiCris, am officially reclaiming power over my body! I am no longer allowing others to influence what I should do and/or when I should do it. I will do what is right for me, when it is right for me. I will share as much or as little about my decisions and journey as I see fit without feeling guilty or pressure!

Trans on Trans relationships and the "community"

I have heard lately different things about "Trans on Trans lovin'." Most of which has been negative. Whether it be a transman with a transwoman, 2 transmen or 2 transwomen. I have heard some trans people saying it's "disgusting" or "too much" and all sorts of stuff. Why is it "disgusting"? I'm confused. I personally don't care who anyone has sex with as long as everyone involved is old enough to consent and no animals were harmed in the process!

I think part of it has to do with that old saying "Misery loves company" People in unhealthy relationships or who are single would rather make fun of or put down someone else's relationship than just move the hell on with their lives. Why do you care?!

Also I hear assumptions about the how the trans couples have sex. Someone described 2 transwomen having sex as "sword fighting". What if both women are pre-op but highly dysphoric? What if both are post op? What if one is pre op and one is post op? You can't assume how they have sex. Same thing with a transman and transwoman. Some transwomen want to be tops, many DO NOT and are VERY dysphoric about their genitalia and dont want to be touched certain places. I remember being at a conference and a transguy introduced his girlfriend who happened to be a transwoman. When they walked away people started making jokes about how he must like getting poked and how if he wants dick just fuck a dude. Little did they know the transwoman was post op and the transguy was very dyphoric so his girlfriend has never seen him naked much less he be in the position for her to "POKE" him.

I also have more and more friends and associates of mine telling me about them being "down low" trans brothers. Basically that means that they are transmen who like men whether it be trans or cismen (Most like other transguys) but they don't tell people really because they are concerned about ridiculed.
First off you don't have to justify to anyone EVER who you are dating, sleeping with, cuddling with, swinging with or whatever else. They also have no right to ask you why you are with that person. GET OVER IT! If you are in a situation where someone is questioning what you are doing and who you are with tell them, MIND YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!

Then people wonder why the "community" seems so divided. If two people are happy- leave them be!