I found myself practicing "whipping it out" to urinate. I am currently large enough pre-op to pull my penis through the opening of my underwear and pants. Due to the darn ligament though when I get to my parts I get nervous about the zipper being too close to my pens since my junk does sit low. I am really looking forward to see how much length I get post-op and to urinate through my neo-phallus for the first time. I pee standing up but have to use an STP or drop my pants to my knees. I just want to go to the urinal and whip it out. Take care of my business and go without worrying about fumbling with an STP. I am really excited.
It feels weird doing this but practice makes perfect I guess. I am also figuring out how to position my hands for the most comfort and to avoid the zipper.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Who are my real friends?
I am starting to see who legitimately has my back and who doesn't. The guys who don't have my back some of them are still nice guys and I legitimately like them but not everyone is dependable. Not everyone makes a good friend. Some guys are good drinking buddies but I don't drink so that kind of friendship will fade fast! There are other guys who are good sports buddies. From April til August those guys will be my main amigos! There are also those guys who I can sit and talk with about life! We can be honest and share with each other without feeling judged.
I also find myself building stronger bonds with guys online through my lower surgery journey. I feel like talking to guys who "get it" is awesome. My friends who don't want lower surgery still support me are cool BUT they don't get it so somethings I would want to discuss with them would be out of place I feel.
I really am starting to see who my real friends are. I am also trying to get out of the habit of considering everyone friends just cause we talk or know the same people. I am getting comfortable with calling people my associate or a cool guy I know. There is nothing wrong with that I feel it's real. Some associates have now become friends and some friends have become associates that is part of life.
The thing that does bother me is when people pretend to be my friend or like me to my face (which is usually associated with them trying to get a favor out of me) but behind my back they are negative.
There is nothing anyone can say about me behind my back that will make me feel bad. If you don't like my top surgery so what at least I had surgery that is what was important to me! If you think I am stupid for getting a meta so what?!! If you want to have a say in the matter then pay for it! If you aren't gonna pay then shut the hell up!
I'm learning who my real friends are and connecting one on one with guys who I would like to develop healthy friendships with.
I also find myself building stronger bonds with guys online through my lower surgery journey. I feel like talking to guys who "get it" is awesome. My friends who don't want lower surgery still support me are cool BUT they don't get it so somethings I would want to discuss with them would be out of place I feel.
I really am starting to see who my real friends are. I am also trying to get out of the habit of considering everyone friends just cause we talk or know the same people. I am getting comfortable with calling people my associate or a cool guy I know. There is nothing wrong with that I feel it's real. Some associates have now become friends and some friends have become associates that is part of life.
The thing that does bother me is when people pretend to be my friend or like me to my face (which is usually associated with them trying to get a favor out of me) but behind my back they are negative.
There is nothing anyone can say about me behind my back that will make me feel bad. If you don't like my top surgery so what at least I had surgery that is what was important to me! If you think I am stupid for getting a meta so what?!! If you want to have a say in the matter then pay for it! If you aren't gonna pay then shut the hell up!
I'm learning who my real friends are and connecting one on one with guys who I would like to develop healthy friendships with.
Friday, June 25, 2010
I told my brothers
After blogging up a storm and posting up a storm online last night I decided to mention to my brothers that I was having surgery and let it go from there. I have 2 brothers. The older of the 2 is really conservative and a church Deacon (I will refer to him as BB for Bigger Brother). The other is more laid back and down to earth(Who I refer to as BH= Bighead as I so affectionately call him).
I sent BB a text (We communicate better via text) asking him about some family stuff coming up and to see when he might be free to talk. He told me that the times that I was going to try and see him he will be out of the country for a mission trip. I told him I wanted to try and talk to him face to face. It didn't seem like it was going to happen so I just let him know I'm having surgery in a few weeks. He asked if everything was okay since I did have a liver scare back in December (which turned out to be nothing). I told him that I was having "THE surgery". I used those words because I knew he would get the picture. He replied by saying that he though I already had it. When I was having top surgery I just told him I was having a transition related surgery and left it at that. I know discussing this stuff makes him feel awkward so I didn't tell him what so I understand the confusion since he knows nothing about transition related surgeries and would never look it up. Also since I had top surgery he knows someone saw me at a urinal so I guess he assumed I already had genital surgery for that reason as well. I explained to him that there are multiple surgery related to the "medical process" and he said ok. I didn't want to give him too much info but wanted him to feel in the loop. I also know he would respect the fact that I am telling him as opposed to him hearing through the grapevine (MY MOTHER!) He did appreciate that. I told him if I he had any questions I am open to answering them and if he didn't want to discuss it any more that was fine too but I wanted to leave the opportunity for communication open. He said that he appreciated that and might have a few minor questions but nothing too much because all of this is awkward for him. BB has been great at referring to me as his brother and using male pronouns when we are around other people. He also consistantly uses my name and even wished me a Happy Father's Day. I know it is hard for him at times due to his faith and feeling conflicted but I know he loves me enough to accept me for me which I appreciate.
I sent BH a text basically saying that I wanted him to know that I was having surgery in August. He also immediately thought it was related to the previously mentioned health scare. I told him know I am just getting "The big surgery". I used this term because when I told him I was medically transitioning he asked if I was gonna get "the big surgery". At that time I told him I will let him know what is going on as it becomes relevant.
Today while we were texting he asked if I was sure I want to do that. I told him yes I am very sure and I waited this long to make sure I made the right decision for me. He said that as long as I am sure that's what I want to do and I'm happy then I have his blessing. I wasn't really seeking his blessing but it is nice that he gave it anyway. I asked him if he had any questions to let me know. He said he has enough info so he doesn't have any questions and we are good! (He love bloody horror movies but medical bloody stuff and needles freak him out so he doesnt like discussing any type of surgery which I understand). He just wants me to let him know when I go and make sure he gets a text or call to let him know everything is okay when I get out.
I was so nervous about how to approach telling them and what the outcome would be. I am glad that I finally got that out of the way. If either of them does come with questions I will probably blog about that conversation in case it might help other guys. The countdown continues!
I sent BB a text (We communicate better via text) asking him about some family stuff coming up and to see when he might be free to talk. He told me that the times that I was going to try and see him he will be out of the country for a mission trip. I told him I wanted to try and talk to him face to face. It didn't seem like it was going to happen so I just let him know I'm having surgery in a few weeks. He asked if everything was okay since I did have a liver scare back in December (which turned out to be nothing). I told him that I was having "THE surgery". I used those words because I knew he would get the picture. He replied by saying that he though I already had it. When I was having top surgery I just told him I was having a transition related surgery and left it at that. I know discussing this stuff makes him feel awkward so I didn't tell him what so I understand the confusion since he knows nothing about transition related surgeries and would never look it up. Also since I had top surgery he knows someone saw me at a urinal so I guess he assumed I already had genital surgery for that reason as well. I explained to him that there are multiple surgery related to the "medical process" and he said ok. I didn't want to give him too much info but wanted him to feel in the loop. I also know he would respect the fact that I am telling him as opposed to him hearing through the grapevine (MY MOTHER!) He did appreciate that. I told him if I he had any questions I am open to answering them and if he didn't want to discuss it any more that was fine too but I wanted to leave the opportunity for communication open. He said that he appreciated that and might have a few minor questions but nothing too much because all of this is awkward for him. BB has been great at referring to me as his brother and using male pronouns when we are around other people. He also consistantly uses my name and even wished me a Happy Father's Day. I know it is hard for him at times due to his faith and feeling conflicted but I know he loves me enough to accept me for me which I appreciate.
I sent BH a text basically saying that I wanted him to know that I was having surgery in August. He also immediately thought it was related to the previously mentioned health scare. I told him know I am just getting "The big surgery". I used this term because when I told him I was medically transitioning he asked if I was gonna get "the big surgery". At that time I told him I will let him know what is going on as it becomes relevant.
Today while we were texting he asked if I was sure I want to do that. I told him yes I am very sure and I waited this long to make sure I made the right decision for me. He said that as long as I am sure that's what I want to do and I'm happy then I have his blessing. I wasn't really seeking his blessing but it is nice that he gave it anyway. I asked him if he had any questions to let me know. He said he has enough info so he doesn't have any questions and we are good! (He love bloody horror movies but medical bloody stuff and needles freak him out so he doesnt like discussing any type of surgery which I understand). He just wants me to let him know when I go and make sure he gets a text or call to let him know everything is okay when I get out.
I was so nervous about how to approach telling them and what the outcome would be. I am glad that I finally got that out of the way. If either of them does come with questions I will probably blog about that conversation in case it might help other guys. The countdown continues!
To show or not to show?
I still HAVE NOT decided on whether or not I will share pictures of my lower surgery.
I am a very shy (it's true!) and personal person but I feel as a man of color who hasn't seen that many results from other men of color it might be beneficial to other guys.
If I do share pictures I don't know whether or not I will post them anonymously to transbucket, or lower surgery surgical groups.
If I decide to share but not via online will I have a picture of my lower surgery and share that at conference show and tells only? That way I have 100% control of who sees my genitals without having to drop my pants in a room of guys. (I know a guy who did this at a conference and I thought it was a great idea).
Decisions, decisions!
I am a very shy (it's true!) and personal person but I feel as a man of color who hasn't seen that many results from other men of color it might be beneficial to other guys.
If I do share pictures I don't know whether or not I will post them anonymously to transbucket, or lower surgery surgical groups.
If I decide to share but not via online will I have a picture of my lower surgery and share that at conference show and tells only? That way I have 100% control of who sees my genitals without having to drop my pants in a room of guys. (I know a guy who did this at a conference and I thought it was a great idea).
Decisions, decisions!
Thursday, June 24, 2010
When will it feel real?
For some reason in my mind. I feel like surgery isn't happening. Don't get me wrong I have the letter from insurance. Paperwork signed by my supervisor approving my leave. I only have one paper to hand in to HR still before I leave for surgery. I have my hotel and airline picked out just need to purchase tickets and make hotel reservations. I'm waiting just to be on the safe side since the best deals are "NON-refundable".
In my mind I know surgery is happening but my heart doesn't believe it. I don't think it will be real until I wake up from surgery! Which is interesting. It is just that I wanted this so badly and kind of tried to talk myself into not wanting surgery due to the horror stories I heard. Then I realized that it WASN'T that I wanted surgery but I NEEDED surgery. Now as the thing that seemed like a dream becomes reality I feel like I am in a dream still and it isn't real.
As I approach my surgery date some people try to talk me out of surgery which is interesting because the ones trying to talk me out of it are transitioning/ transitioned men themselves. They are concerned that I am "messing with a good thing" and will "damage" my penis and "regret it". My mom who is really conservative and said she was never going to speak to me again when I started medically transitioning, is now my biggest cheerleader and wants to come with me for surgery. My friend who is a cis woman is happy for me. I only told her because she got really scared that I was having surgery and she figured it was either that or a liver transplant (long unrelated story). We are really close Our friendship began the day I started T so she has really seen me change and grow. I felt comfortable sharing this with her though I have not told my biological brothers yet (who have been great with regards to my transition.)
The forementioned women are behind me but guys who I thought would support me aren't. Some are being negative about the whole thing but they don't need lower surgery and I do! I am happy though that the guys I trust the most and are my support system are really behind me and that is all that matters. Even though if no one supported me I would still be fine and move forward. I will admit that it is nice to have people who are supportive and there for me. With all that said I continue to plan and prep.
I don't know when it will feel real but I sure am happy!
In my mind I know surgery is happening but my heart doesn't believe it. I don't think it will be real until I wake up from surgery! Which is interesting. It is just that I wanted this so badly and kind of tried to talk myself into not wanting surgery due to the horror stories I heard. Then I realized that it WASN'T that I wanted surgery but I NEEDED surgery. Now as the thing that seemed like a dream becomes reality I feel like I am in a dream still and it isn't real.
As I approach my surgery date some people try to talk me out of surgery which is interesting because the ones trying to talk me out of it are transitioning/ transitioned men themselves. They are concerned that I am "messing with a good thing" and will "damage" my penis and "regret it". My mom who is really conservative and said she was never going to speak to me again when I started medically transitioning, is now my biggest cheerleader and wants to come with me for surgery. My friend who is a cis woman is happy for me. I only told her because she got really scared that I was having surgery and she figured it was either that or a liver transplant (long unrelated story). We are really close Our friendship began the day I started T so she has really seen me change and grow. I felt comfortable sharing this with her though I have not told my biological brothers yet (who have been great with regards to my transition.)
The forementioned women are behind me but guys who I thought would support me aren't. Some are being negative about the whole thing but they don't need lower surgery and I do! I am happy though that the guys I trust the most and are my support system are really behind me and that is all that matters. Even though if no one supported me I would still be fine and move forward. I will admit that it is nice to have people who are supportive and there for me. With all that said I continue to plan and prep.
I don't know when it will feel real but I sure am happy!
Monday, June 21, 2010
Beautiful Weekend
I had a great weekend. Got to meet a guy in real life I have been talking to for years online. I was so happy to see him because he has become such a good buddy I feel and also since he was in town for top surgery. Another guy I know was in town for top surgery so I hit the hospital up for a 2 for 1!
I had a good day out with the guys playing football, soccer and boxing. I worked up a good sweat with the boxing. Boxing headgear, gloves and 85+ in a park right under the hot sun is not something I would recommend! Fun but tiring.
Then Sunday was Fathers Day! My wife gave me the first part of my give around 1AM which was a bag of little things she knew I would love. Later in the day she took me to one of my favorite seafood Restaurants. I love her for that. She isnt really into seafood like that but she really went out of her way to get reservations and make sure I had a great day which I did.
I truely feel like a lucky man!
I had a good day out with the guys playing football, soccer and boxing. I worked up a good sweat with the boxing. Boxing headgear, gloves and 85+ in a park right under the hot sun is not something I would recommend! Fun but tiring.
Then Sunday was Fathers Day! My wife gave me the first part of my give around 1AM which was a bag of little things she knew I would love. Later in the day she took me to one of my favorite seafood Restaurants. I love her for that. She isnt really into seafood like that but she really went out of her way to get reservations and make sure I had a great day which I did.
I truely feel like a lucky man!
Friday, June 18, 2010
Getting into shape for surgery
This is my official proclamation that I will lose 10 lbs by surgery! I want to lose 15lbs total but I feel with the amount of time I have 10lbs is doable and will put my body right where I want it to be. I will be in the park with my guys tomorrow so I will definitely be sweating, running and burning some serious calories. I have already made adjustments to my diet now I just need to keep myself active to take the progress to the next level.
I also feel by reducing my overall body fat that will help reduce the size of my stomach and my mons fat to help with the aesthetics of my upcoming lower surgery.
I also feel by reducing my overall body fat that will help reduce the size of my stomach and my mons fat to help with the aesthetics of my upcoming lower surgery.
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