Thursday, July 8, 2010
Another one of those days
I found out that someone I THOUGHT I could trust disclosed my trans history without my permission. The people she disclosed the information to know me through other stuff but they didn't know I was the same guy being discussed until one detail was mentioned. Whether they knew or not it was not this woman's place to discuss my business without my permission. This shit is really getting old. I know in 2010 there is no way to be 100% stealth but why are you giving people YOU don't know my personal history. This is really ridiculous! If I were in a different place in my life I would be upset but honestly it's just sad that people have to cut me down which is what the disclosure was intended to do to make themselves look and feel better. They made a big mistake and they are about to make an ass out of themselves in front of some big wigs by doing so because most people when they hear what happened won't believe it and those who do believe it will deal with this individual very harshly for disclosing people's private information which they deem as inappropriate.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Sweating and more sweat!
I just busted out some cardio. I was already sweating from it being so damn hot. I did some rope cardio and that really got me sweating so much I couldn't see. My shoulders were really starting to feel it when I was done. I had a nice protein shake. Cooling down now then shower and bed. No more excuses!
Paperwork is IN!
I got in all my paperwork for my medical leave and disability for lower surgery. 40 days left! I needed the paperwork in by 30 days so I wouldn't lose out on any pay. I am very happy I took care of this. My HR person told me I should have a letter within a week regarding the pay situation and whether that was approved or not and at what rate. Either way I know I will be off for surgery since my supervisor already approved that. All I have to do now is book my flight and hotel which hopefully after some minor logistics are cleared up I will be able to do next week.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Getting back on track!
I just did some dumbell curls at home and drank a protein shake. I know it isn't much but I figured instead of me waiting for some grand beginning to get me back into working out I need to just take babysteps and do what I can because something is better than nothing!
I am officially getting back on track!
I am officially getting back on track!
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Survived another "Family" Event on July 3rd, 2010
I was contemplating going to a Birthday party for my cousin, "S"'s children. I went to the Baby shower for my cousin last April and that was the first time anyone on my Father's side had seen me since I began my transition. That worked out well however I was nervous about going this time because my Father would be there this time. In general I never liked seeing him but since he found out about my medical transition he has said many messed up things that has solidified for me that we will never have a relationship and I am done trying to have one. I went back and forth as to whether or not to go and decided in the end to go.
The morning of I was tring to make my last minute travel arrangements. Since I don't drive I would need a ride at least part way or spring for a cab. I managed to swing a ride with my sister-in-law (My brother is a away but she was still attending the even) but came to find out that my cousin from my mother's side of the family was staying at the house this weekend. This particular cousin "J" had not seen me in many years and I wasn't even sure he had even heard about my transition since at the time he was under 18 I know he wasn't in the information loop. I called my Mother for advice and she said she would speak to J and get him up to speed.
Fastforward to later. I am at the train station and my sister-in-law picks me up at the station "J" is in the car and he addresses me as my new legal name which made me happy. He was fine the rest of the day so no worries there. We killed some time at the house and I guess he got used to how I looked now because I caught him "looking at me" less and less throughout the day. He wasn't exactly steering when he thought I wasn't paying attention but moreso assessing my features. It was fine.
Eventually we get to the Event and all of my family who saw me last year for the first time was there and they were fine. One of my Aunts who wasn't there last time was there this time. She looked like she was "stuck" for a minute. I think it was because I look so male and because I look like my brother so much if it wasn't for the difference in height and the fact I don't wear glasses people would confuse us far more often from a distance. I feel like this Aunt may have heard from my other Aunts some mixed version as to how my appearance might be "different" but I don't think she was expecting me to look make but more like a "woman in men's clothes and no hair" she was very suprised at the reality of me. I may be jumping to conclusions but her face said it all. She tried not to be obvious but I have seen the look from others who saw me for the first time since my medical transition so it is safe to say if I am not all right at least I am partially right as to what was going on in her mind.
I'm at the event for a while so all of that was good. I guess I should mention my daughter was with me but my wife wasn't so people were curious about who the baby was and where she came from. I explained that my wife and her adopted her and no one made any off color comments. They were more suprised that I was married and didn't have a big Traditional family wedding than the fact that I was married and to a woman. I expected at least one comment about me not "really" being married but that comment never came. At least I didn't hear it. No one even incinuated the possibility of me having given birth to my daughter which I am happy about. She does look like me but I didn't want people assuming I would have given birth. That may be good for Thomas Beatie and a few guys I know online and in real life but that is not my journey.
The moment of truth came. My father got to the event he was late but he got there along with my step-mother and my 2 half sisters. My sisters have seen me multiple times since my medical transition began and they were fine with it. Both of them were more excited about seeing my daughter and they kind of fought over her because they both wanted to hold her. My step- Mother came over to me and said Hi and gave me a big hug like she always did. She called me the appropriate name then she too was mesmorized by the the powerful cuteness of my daughter and scooped her up. I saw my father watching me from a distanced and I paid him no mind. Several people asked if I went over to say I to him and I made it clear that I was not going to go out of my way to say anything to him but if I happened to pass him then I would say hellp out of respect.
That time came. I said to him "Hello, how are you?" he responded "fine". I said "that's good" and walked away. I didn't make any real eye contact and really didn't want to engage in conversation with him but just went through the motions. The day turned out great. No drama. I made small talk with my Aunts and they were nice and didn't shun me seeing as how that whole side of the family is ULTRA conservative.
I survived another "Family" Event. I don't know how many of the family events I will go to but for this cousin who has always been in my corner I would gladly risk the potential discomfort because I know if my father did come out of his face to me she would have put him in his place.
The morning of I was tring to make my last minute travel arrangements. Since I don't drive I would need a ride at least part way or spring for a cab. I managed to swing a ride with my sister-in-law (My brother is a away but she was still attending the even) but came to find out that my cousin from my mother's side of the family was staying at the house this weekend. This particular cousin "J" had not seen me in many years and I wasn't even sure he had even heard about my transition since at the time he was under 18 I know he wasn't in the information loop. I called my Mother for advice and she said she would speak to J and get him up to speed.
Fastforward to later. I am at the train station and my sister-in-law picks me up at the station "J" is in the car and he addresses me as my new legal name which made me happy. He was fine the rest of the day so no worries there. We killed some time at the house and I guess he got used to how I looked now because I caught him "looking at me" less and less throughout the day. He wasn't exactly steering when he thought I wasn't paying attention but moreso assessing my features. It was fine.
Eventually we get to the Event and all of my family who saw me last year for the first time was there and they were fine. One of my Aunts who wasn't there last time was there this time. She looked like she was "stuck" for a minute. I think it was because I look so male and because I look like my brother so much if it wasn't for the difference in height and the fact I don't wear glasses people would confuse us far more often from a distance. I feel like this Aunt may have heard from my other Aunts some mixed version as to how my appearance might be "different" but I don't think she was expecting me to look make but more like a "woman in men's clothes and no hair" she was very suprised at the reality of me. I may be jumping to conclusions but her face said it all. She tried not to be obvious but I have seen the look from others who saw me for the first time since my medical transition so it is safe to say if I am not all right at least I am partially right as to what was going on in her mind.
I'm at the event for a while so all of that was good. I guess I should mention my daughter was with me but my wife wasn't so people were curious about who the baby was and where she came from. I explained that my wife and her adopted her and no one made any off color comments. They were more suprised that I was married and didn't have a big Traditional family wedding than the fact that I was married and to a woman. I expected at least one comment about me not "really" being married but that comment never came. At least I didn't hear it. No one even incinuated the possibility of me having given birth to my daughter which I am happy about. She does look like me but I didn't want people assuming I would have given birth. That may be good for Thomas Beatie and a few guys I know online and in real life but that is not my journey.
The moment of truth came. My father got to the event he was late but he got there along with my step-mother and my 2 half sisters. My sisters have seen me multiple times since my medical transition began and they were fine with it. Both of them were more excited about seeing my daughter and they kind of fought over her because they both wanted to hold her. My step- Mother came over to me and said Hi and gave me a big hug like she always did. She called me the appropriate name then she too was mesmorized by the the powerful cuteness of my daughter and scooped her up. I saw my father watching me from a distanced and I paid him no mind. Several people asked if I went over to say I to him and I made it clear that I was not going to go out of my way to say anything to him but if I happened to pass him then I would say hellp out of respect.
That time came. I said to him "Hello, how are you?" he responded "fine". I said "that's good" and walked away. I didn't make any real eye contact and really didn't want to engage in conversation with him but just went through the motions. The day turned out great. No drama. I made small talk with my Aunts and they were nice and didn't shun me seeing as how that whole side of the family is ULTRA conservative.
I survived another "Family" Event. I don't know how many of the family events I will go to but for this cousin who has always been in my corner I would gladly risk the potential discomfort because I know if my father did come out of his face to me she would have put him in his place.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Getting in the Gym
I am finally gonna bog down and get a gym membership. Now that my daughter is settled in a schedule it makes more sense for me to do it now. I tried the whole workout at home business and I was able to do it for a while but now I really can't because when I am home there are too many distractions. I know if I have a membership I will be paying money and I don't like to waste money so that will definitely be enough motivation to get me there in the beginning. The results and the increased strength will be what keeps me going.
"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
Meeting new guys
I went to a group that I hadn't been to in a while for several reason. I went in with a open heart and open mind and it was awesome. Good conversation and good people. I met some cool people who I can see myself getting to know but since I am in the mental space of weeding out those who are negative I have to hold off on that but the potential is there. I am happy about that. I want to have more positive people around me. I realized that people as a whole aren't the issue but the negative drama carrying people. I know since I started this blog talking about my "community" issues butI feel myself finally taking steps to make a change and not just TALKING about making a change. We shall see what happens.
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