Update!

Only about 17 days left til surgery. Yeah! I got some loose shorts that are breathable so that when I get back from surgery I have more options. The shorts are softer, roomier and seem great for recovery post op. I am excited yet for some reason I feel like I am dreaming. I want to fast forward to being Post op.

I have been doing extra cardio at the gym to help me with my recovery post op. I have aso been taking vitamin C and a cranberry vitamin that will Aid in my Urniary tract health.
I was feeling a little bad that I have not blogging everyday but I thought about it and once I have surgery I will be posting about my healing everyday and possibly even multiple times a day just so I don't forget anything.

Another thing I don't have to worry about!

My ID was going to expire on my birthday which is basically a week before surgery. The only day off I had coming up was the day after my birthday which would only allow me 4 days to get my ID before I left for surgery. My state makes me wait for it in the mail.
I knew that would be cutting it close so I tried to apply for a renewal online since that is available. I did it on the 15th of July. They say allow 2-4 weeks it was in the mail last night which was July 27th. Came in 12 days SWEET! The only thing is that this picture is really clear and it accentuates the fact that I took the picture when I looked like a 16 year old boy. I plan to be clean shaven for surgery anyway so I guess that will help thwart any red flags that come up at the airport. lol. I am happy that I got another thing out of the way. 20 days left.

Sharing pictures

I have been playing with the idea of sharing pictures but as I get closer to surgery I really don't know if I will. At least not on the net.My wife made some good points about how With people spamming and stealing content it wouldn't be a good idea. On one hand I have only seen one penis from a guy of my complexion on the net. I appreciated that. I want to sort of pay it forward. I think it would be ironic that I don't really show my chest because I am modest and shy YET I am actually considering putting my penis out there. I think it has to do with the fact that there are dark skin men with top surgery pictures and as I mentioned only 1 of a post op penis 2 if I consider the one a shade or so lighter.

I don't want my genitals up for judgement. I have heard the things people say of even the best of surgery and how discouraging people can be. If I saw or heard those things about my post op genitals I would feel awkward. I would also feel upset for me putting myself in such a vulnerable position to have people be negative and judgemental. My wife worries about this too and fears it will make my dysphoria worse. When I think of this I understand why there are not as many photos out there.

I guess I will just have to see how I feel post op and go from there. I will definitly be taking photos to track my healing and for my personal viewing.

22 days to go til lower surgery and stopping T

I am 22 days away from having lower surgery. I didn't take my T shot yesterday. I called my Surgeon today asking when I was supposed to stop because I didn't recall having to stop but other guys were telling me I should. I asked around and no one has really been responding. I guess we will see. I stopped it more so for my own comfort because I am scared to get an erection while I have stitches in my penis. That wouldn't be fun! I know a guy who had meta and said he got a hard on and it was soooo painful while recovering. I will admit that I am concerned that not taking my T will cause shrinkage but even with that I am good size for surgery so I am not gonna stress too much. If it really starts to get to me then I will take my shot but as of right now I dont think Im gonna take it until after surgery.

Getting my body ready

I am very proud of myself because I feel my body getting stronger. Not just in the physical sense but also the spiritual sense. I have been going to the gym and really focusing my energy. Since joining the gym I have mentally been in a better place. I feel really calm despite all the stuff going on with me and around me.

I started taking vitamin C today for my immune system. I also started taking a cranberry pill to promot urinary tract health since I am getting urehtral lengthening. I will take it up until the week before surgery then start back up after surgery. I also have been drinking more water and eating more fruit. I feel like my health and fitness is the only thing left for me to control while I count down the days.

24 days left til surgery!

I really like my new gym

I worked out again tonight and it was AWESOME. Tonight there were a lot more people at the gym but there was still space for me to work out and not have to wait so that reinforced the fact that I made a good pick. I also have a friend who worked out with me 2 times of the 3 times I went to work out and he is turning out to be an awesome gym buddy. In the past my workout buddies have been guys who are already set in their workout routine and they are trying to help me get on one. He hasnt been working out too consistantly either so both of us as basically starting fresh to develop good habits and since we are in the same place I feel it is easier for us to support each other.
I also like the fact that we can workout together on the same muscle group but also separate and do our own thing. In the past I felt pressured by my workout buddies to be their shadow and do exactly as they did if I wanted to see results. I am really liking my new gym and I am kind of sad that I will only be able to work out for a month then I have to stop because of my upcoming surgery. I do plan to put in as much gym time as possible pre-op and after surgery really get in there. I plan to have my body looking the way I want it to by next summer. It is nice now but I want it to be SMOKING next summer. I want heads to turn. lol. Every once in a while a little extra attention is nice.

Another GREAT day!

Today I decided that it would be best for me to stay in a hotel than the surgery apartment available. I am happy with my decision and think overall it will promote my healing because I will be very ZEN in a space that I have control over who comes and goes. I sent the last of what paperwork I needed to send before surgery. I am officially good to go!

I had a check list of things that needed to be done.

Medical clearance- CHECK

Insurance confirmation for agreement to pay for surgery- CHECK

Plane Tickets- CHECK

Hotel Reserved- CHECK

Transportation from Airport and back- CHECK
(The airport is 2 hrs away from where I am having surgery and I don't drive so this is VERY important)

Medical leave approval- CHECK


The office coordinator for my surgeon asked me about my letter and how many I needed post op. The first one is free and any additional letters are $20 a pop. I don't know how many to get because everything is pretty much changed. I said 3 but I don't think I need that many. Maybe I will only need 2. I guess I will get the 3 to be on the safe side. I also asked about getting a copy of the OR report and I was told I could get that most likely before I leave town after surgery and that would be free. For the state I was born in I need that to seal my records so I will definitely submit that along with my SRS letter. Im due for a new passport so I will use a letter for that too so I can just be done with that and not have to explain anything ever again!
It still doesn't feel too real but it's getting there! I am getting more and more excited I must say. I am starting to have dreams about my post op body and all the wonderful things that come with that for me.

Where to stay?

So I mentioned the packet and booking my flight but I still need to decide where to stay. My surgeon has a surgery house kind of place and I am considering that or the hotel I previously chose to use while I was there for surgery. I will decide in the next 2 days. I am just getting more info about the "surger house". I will keep you posted on how that decision goes.

I got my packet and more

I got my pre- surgery packet in the mail today. I figured it would be here today. I did talk to the Office coordinator for my surgeon and I was informed that my packet was sent and should be here today the latest. I was optimistic in my last post so it just proved me right. lol. I only really called about the medical clearance from my Doc to make sure my fax was received. The office coordinator gave me the most important information when I called so I was happy about that.

I immediately booked my flight because the cost of that has been creeping up over the weeks. I got a decent rate I think. Could have been better if I purchased my tickets about 3 weeks ago but I'm not gonna stress it. I am happy to have that settled.

I found me a gym!

I found the perfect gym FOR ME yesterday. Everyone was telling me oh try this gym or that gym for X, Y, Z reason. That seemed very reasonable but didn't work for me. I found a gym that had a child care option during certain hours which conveniently is during the hours I plan to work out anyway. It also has the equipment and max amount of weights I was looking for. The gym locker room didn't smell funny which wasa plus. They have showers that are private in case I want to take a shower before I leave. The environment also seems very chill. I don't feel like I would be judged there. I went today for the first time to workout and I got a good vibe. There were all kinds of people there and it felt right. I almost slammed the weights by accident and didn't have to worry about a random alarm going off accusing me of being a "lunk."
I think this could be the start of a BEAUTIFUL relationship.

One month to go!

I have exactly 30 days until my meta with hookup which I am very excited about. I am currently working out to get my body into the best shape possible for surgery. I have already been cleared by my PMD and I got the clearance in the mail yesterday. My insurance stuff is all set. I am just waiting for my packet from the Surgeon's office which should have been here by now. I will email them tonight about that though and hopefully it is either in the mail already or will be in the mail ASAP. I think it has been sent though and just hasn't gotten here.
I just need to book my flight and hotel which is why I need the packet because it has hotel discount and travel information in there.

It still doesn't feel real yet so for now I am still just going through the motions.

My Mother isn't coming

That's right my Mother is not coming with me when I go for lower surgery. I am not disappointed but actually relieved because I was starting to stress over whether or not she was really ready to deal with me being post lower surgery. I think mentally she might be but I feel her being there will cause her to feel the need to nurse me and I was feeling weird about my Mother seeing my penis. I will see her though about 3 weeks after surgery so I will post on that.

The reason why she can't go is because of her time off from work situation. She already had something planned 2 weeks before my sugery and she can't get approval for both things and I wouldn't ask her to miss the other think she had planned. I gess the universe has a way of working these things out!

Magic in the Mail!

I got the letter from my HR department today stating that I am approved for my leave for surgery. Another thing I can check off in terms of things to do prior to surgery. This makes me a VERY happy man. Part of the reason I am so excited is because I REFUSED to put GID as the diagnosis on the disability form. The woman from HR called me up stating that there needed to be a diagnosis code or a diagnosis written out. The surgeon didn't want to tell my HR department it was hypospadias due to "ethical" reasons. Though I feel I fit the bill for this. We were able to compromise on using an ICD9 code that was closer to the surgery I was having but still vague enough that if the code was looked up by the HR woman it wouldn't disclose my trans history. The papers were resubmitted and I never heard anything from her she only told me a response would be in the mail by next week. That was Thursday she told me this. Today is Saturday and I check my mail and find this little piece of magic. Life is good!

Deeper connections

I had a good day connecting on a deeper level with a guy I know. It started out as us just going to ride bikes and turned into so much more. It was great. Bike riding, sightseeing, sandwiches, good conversation, more bike riding, food and a movie.

It was great and I feel that I need to continue to make more deeper connections with genuine people.

Another productive day!

I rode 17.14 miles total today. I will feel it tomorrow! I am proud of myself. I rode at high speed in each direction which shocked me. I was trying to keep up with a buddy who is in peak shape and has been cycling for weeks for me to keep up let me know my body is stronger than I thought.

I am taking it one day at a time and not waiiting to have some big fitness epiphany but rather doing everything physical I can to get me burning the calories. Another successful and productive day!

Another one of those days

I found out that someone I THOUGHT I could trust disclosed my trans history without my permission. The people she disclosed the information to know me through other stuff but they didn't know I was the same guy being discussed until one detail was mentioned. Whether they knew or not it was not this woman's place to discuss my business without my permission. This shit is really getting old. I know in 2010 there is no way to be 100% stealth but why are you giving people YOU don't know my personal history. This is really ridiculous! If I were in a different place in my life I would be upset but honestly it's just sad that people have to cut me down which is what the disclosure was intended to do to make themselves look and feel better. They made a big mistake and they are about to make an ass out of themselves in front of some big wigs by doing so because most people when they hear what happened won't believe it and those who do believe it will deal with this individual very harshly for disclosing people's private information which they deem as inappropriate.

Sweating and more sweat!

I just busted out some cardio. I was already sweating from it being so damn hot. I did some rope cardio and that really got me sweating so much I couldn't see. My shoulders were really starting to feel it when I was done. I had a nice protein shake. Cooling down now then shower and bed. No more excuses!

Paperwork is IN!

I got in all my paperwork for my medical leave and disability for lower surgery. 40 days left! I needed the paperwork in by 30 days so I wouldn't lose out on any pay. I am very happy I took care of this. My HR person told me I should have a letter within a week regarding the pay situation and whether that was approved or not and at what rate. Either way I know I will be off for surgery since my supervisor already approved that. All I have to do now is book my flight and hotel which hopefully after some minor logistics are cleared up I will be able to do next week.

Getting back on track!

I just did some dumbell curls at home and drank a protein shake. I know it isn't much but I figured instead of me waiting for some grand beginning to get me back into working out I need to just take babysteps and do what I can because something is better than nothing!

I am officially getting back on track!

Survived another "Family" Event on July 3rd, 2010

I was contemplating going to a Birthday party for my cousin, "S"'s children. I went to the Baby shower for my cousin last April and that was the first time anyone on my Father's side had seen me since I began my transition. That worked out well however I was nervous about going this time because my Father would be there this time. In general I never liked seeing him but since he found out about my medical transition he has said many messed up things that has solidified for me that we will never have a relationship and I am done trying to have one. I went back and forth as to whether or not to go and decided in the end to go.

The morning of I was tring to make my last minute travel arrangements. Since I don't drive I would need a ride at least part way or spring for a cab. I managed to swing a ride with my sister-in-law (My brother is a away but she was still attending the even) but came to find out that my cousin from my mother's side of the family was staying at the house this weekend. This particular cousin "J" had not seen me in many years and I wasn't even sure he had even heard about my transition since at the time he was under 18 I know he wasn't in the information loop. I called my Mother for advice and she said she would speak to J and get him up to speed.

Fastforward to later. I am at the train station and my sister-in-law picks me up at the station "J" is in the car and he addresses me as my new legal name which made me happy. He was fine the rest of the day so no worries there. We killed some time at the house and I guess he got used to how I looked now because I caught him "looking at me" less and less throughout the day. He wasn't exactly steering when he thought I wasn't paying attention but moreso assessing my features. It was fine.

Eventually we get to the Event and all of my family who saw me last year for the first time was there and they were fine. One of my Aunts who wasn't there last time was there this time. She looked like she was "stuck" for a minute. I think it was because I look so male and because I look like my brother so much if it wasn't for the difference in height and the fact I don't wear glasses people would confuse us far more often from a distance. I feel like this Aunt may have heard from my other Aunts some mixed version as to how my appearance might be "different" but I don't think she was expecting me to look make but more like a "woman in men's clothes and no hair" she was very suprised at the reality of me. I may be jumping to conclusions but her face said it all. She tried not to be obvious but I have seen the look from others who saw me for the first time since my medical transition so it is safe to say if I am not all right at least I am partially right as to what was going on in her mind.

I'm at the event for a while so all of that was good. I guess I should mention my daughter was with me but my wife wasn't so people were curious about who the baby was and where she came from. I explained that my wife and her adopted her and no one made any off color comments. They were more suprised that I was married and didn't have a big Traditional family wedding than the fact that I was married and to a woman. I expected at least one comment about me not "really" being married but that comment never came. At least I didn't hear it. No one even incinuated the possibility of me having given birth to my daughter which I am happy about. She does look like me but I didn't want people assuming I would have given birth. That may be good for Thomas Beatie and a few guys I know online and in real life but that is not my journey.

The moment of truth came. My father got to the event he was late but he got there along with my step-mother and my 2 half sisters. My sisters have seen me multiple times since my medical transition began and they were fine with it. Both of them were more excited about seeing my daughter and they kind of fought over her because they both wanted to hold her. My step- Mother came over to me and said Hi and gave me a big hug like she always did. She called me the appropriate name then she too was mesmorized by the the powerful cuteness of my daughter and scooped her up. I saw my father watching me from a distanced and I paid him no mind. Several people asked if I went over to say I to him and I made it clear that I was not going to go out of my way to say anything to him but if I happened to pass him then I would say hellp out of respect.
That time came. I said to him "Hello, how are you?" he responded "fine". I said "that's good" and walked away. I didn't make any real eye contact and really didn't want to engage in conversation with him but just went through the motions. The day turned out great. No drama. I made small talk with my Aunts and they were nice and didn't shun me seeing as how that whole side of the family is ULTRA conservative.

I survived another "Family" Event. I don't know how many of the family events I will go to but for this cousin who has always been in my corner I would gladly risk the potential discomfort because I know if my father did come out of his face to me she would have put him in his place.

Getting in the Gym

I am finally gonna bog down and get a gym membership. Now that my daughter is settled in a schedule it makes more sense for me to do it now. I tried the whole workout at home business and I was able to do it for a while but now I really can't because when I am home there are too many distractions. I know if I have a membership I will be paying money and I don't like to waste money so that will definitely be enough motivation to get me there in the beginning. The results and the increased strength will be what keeps me going.

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."

-Martin Luther King, Jr.

Meeting new guys

I went to a group that I hadn't been to in a while for several reason. I went in with a open heart and open mind and it was awesome. Good conversation and good people. I met some cool people who I can see myself getting to know but since I am in the mental space of weeding out those who are negative I have to hold off on that but the potential is there. I am happy about that. I want to have more positive people around me. I realized that people as a whole aren't the issue but the negative drama carrying people. I know since I started this blog talking about my "community" issues butI feel myself finally taking steps to make a change and not just TALKING about making a change. We shall see what happens.