So much on my mind and so much to do!

HYSTO

As I have been talking about my hysto is coming! Only 6 days left! Totally ready for it to come so I can be finally rid of these parts I should have NEVER had.


LIVER
After that I have to see if they could figure out those "mystery spots" on my liver. To this day my labs are perfect. Liver function- fine. Liver enzymes-Fine. ALL labs- Fine. I feel perfectly FINE! Just these random spots. They think they are only liver "birthmarks" (The medical term is Focal Nodular Hyperplasia). They aren't dangerous they dont grow they are just there. They just have to check again to be sure they are definitely this and not something more serious. 10 days after my hysto I have to follow up with the liver doc. I am glad that he was willing to clear me for surgery. I used my powers of pursuasion but he was already pretty for it anyways. I did point out that if I had to stop T how it would be great for me to not have those parts making me sick both physically and emotionally. I hope to get this out the way so I can continue down the road to my lower surgery. Having continued concerning liver issues would delay that and maybe even hault lower surgery if they feel I am not safe enough to undergo anesthesia BUT I am optimistic and sure that all is fine. It has to be!

*Just a side note the liver issue was not caused by me being on T they issue I am having is more linked to estrogen and they feel it may have to do with when I was pre-T Docs giving me all sorts of estrogen and birth control pills to try and deal with "reproductive issues" as well as "feminize me".


My Forum

I have my forum coming up in May for guys in my area so while I am home recovering from my hysto I plan to do more outreach for that and solidify plans regarding the food and stuff.


Clinic

I need to make some decision regarding the future of the trans clinic I have started. Though it has been great for all the trans people it has helped it has been a major headache for me lately. I plan to meet about some issues and have a few needed "conversations" to hopefully alleviate some of the headache. I am proud that we just celebrated our one year mark and are doing REALLY well way better than anyone expected. Then again I have high expectations so I expected nothing less that is why though it is "good" I want it to be better and I see areas of opportunity where it can be made better.


Conferences

I am presenting at 2 upcoming conferences. One in May and One in June so it is time to prepare for those.

Lower surgery

I discussed this like 50 million times since I started this blog so basically I just need to move forward so that I can set a date and do what I need to do in that area.


Social life

I have some dudes that I need to hang out with. I have been better lately about finding time for QUALITY time with guys I want to build meaning full friendships with instead of spending Quantity time with a bunch of guys who I have nothing in common with other than medical transition.
I am looking forward to Soccer/ football/Social in the park starting back up. This will be the 4th year we have done this and I love it! We go from April to August having fun every Saturday that it isn't raining. This is SOOO much fun. Just getting out of the house. Not worrying about work or any other obligations but just relaxing having a good time with some good guys!


Family life

I am enjoying the fact that I have found a way to balance time with my AMAZING wife (she occassionally reads, lol) and my new sweet daughter. I enjoy being a family man.


DAMN I have a lot I am doing. I need a REAL vacation!

That's all for now!

Pre- surgical testing

Since today makes exactly 7 days til my surgery (hysto) I had to go in for my pre-surgical testing. I arrived at 8:30AM since I was told the process takes up to 2 hours since you have to see multiple people.

I filled out the papers with medical history, healthcare proxy and basic demographic info.

I first saw the PA who does the anesthesia clearance stuff. She asked me about my medical history form, allergies and all that jazz. She checked my pressure which was normal despite me being nervous. (Usually when I am nervous my pressure spikes a little). She listened to my chest, check for dentures and asked about my previous surgeries. She asked if I was "transgender" and though I don't identify with this term I just said yes for simplicity sake so I could be done and move on to the next person. I didn't want to be there longer than necessary since I did have to go to work when this was all done.

The clerk called me to the front again to make sure she had the right form regarding what surgery I was being cleared for. She asked me 3 or 4 times while I was standing in front of her for my name and birthdate. She asked who was my doctor and if they gave me a form. I told her she should have the form. I saw that she had the form in her hand. I then realized she was wondering why this hairy raspy (allergies) voiced man was in front of her but the paper was regarding GYN stuff. After her looking at the form, the computer screen then me I guess she put it together or asked the PA whichever and figured it out. I then saw the nurse who went over the procedure I was having. She had the same paper the receptionist previously had so I know they figured it out correctly. The nurse told me to stop taking aspirin ( which I take due to a history of heart problems). I didn't have to get an EKG cause I have no "active" cardiac issues and I had my annual cardiac appointment in the last 6 month. Everything was fine so no need for that. YES! *Does happy dance* Though if I had to do the EKG it would have been fine. I like the fact that I didn't have to take off my shirt and explain my scars which always happens. I also didn't have to have chest hairs pulled out when they remove the little sticky things they use for the EKG.
Anyway the nurse told me where to go the day of surgery. She told me the day before they will call me with the time but if I don't hear anything by a certain time I can call a certain number. She did ask me when was my last period and I must have looked horrified because she said, "I'm sorry for this procedure we routinely ask." I am just glad they didn't ask me if I thought I could be pregnant, because that would have really bothered me. Then again with the whole Thomas Beatie fiasco I could understand them asking I was still glad they didn't.

I then got my blood drawn which was done quickly and I was done by 10 am. I survived! Just 7 more days...

Lower surgery and my wife

This evening I shared with my wife the surgeons that I found and decided that we should "talk" about what my possible surgery plans would look like. The entire time I have been thinking about surgery I would ask my wife different things and inform her what I have found and she would always say "Whatever makes you happy" occassionally making comment that a "Phalloplasty would be nice" (for her own purposes) but that if I got a meta that would be fine too. Outside of that she never said much about lower surgery or seems to be interested in any aspect of it. I have discussed with her different surgery results and my concerns and she just took it all in. She went to one lower surgery consult with me but due to her knowing about my level of dysphoria left the room for certain aspects of the consult. (Mostly the exam part). One of the surgeons I was considering she knows and has seen multiple times. The others she has never heard of and outside of the one she went to the consult with me for she couldn't repeat any of their names if she tried.

That all being said tonight when we were having this "talk" I informed her of what I found and my expanding interest in one particular surgeon. I was originally going to go with a particular surgeon as sort of my "safe choice" which would involve me just getting a meta. I already provided the "safe" surgeon's office with my insurance information and everything to be submitted. Tonight my wife said that she knows I really want a phallo and she thinks that after my hysto (Which is in 8 days) go back and see the surgeon again for a free consult (consult was free for me last time because insurance paid for it) then go from there. She stated if the surgeon can do what I NEED (My needs have changed since the last consult) and the insurance stuff works out then it would be worth it because he is closer and if there are any complications I won't really have to travel. If he can't do what I need then see about the other surgeon which is further away.

This really made me feel good eventhough the reality of discussing my need for surgery on my penis is weird with my wife. I thought all this time she was blocking me out or just didn't really care but it shows that she has been listening and eventhough she can't remember all the surgeons names she knows enough about why I am interested in different surgeons to give her opinion on the matter though she respects and encourages the final decision to be mine and mine alone.

Surgeons covered by my insurance

I was going through the list of surgeons that I had in my computer database for the US. I decided to check with my insurance and out of the surgeons below are the ones that are covered.

Daniel Greenwald
Lawrence Gottlieb
Marci Bowers
Nadeem Chaudhry
Alan Neal Wilson
David Gilbert
William M. Kuzon Jr.
Joseph Rosen

Out of this list my choice for a Meta would be Bowers or Chaudhy and for Phallo either Gottlieb or Chaudhry BUT still lots to think about. It is interesting though that 8 surgeons are covered by my insurance for lower surgery.
I don't know about the last 3 Gilbert, Kuzon or Rosen but plan to ask around.

9 days and counting

Since it is so close I decided to put it out there officially. In 9 days I am scheduled to have my hysto. It will be a TLH BSO. That Means that is will be a Total Laparoscopic Hysterectomy with bilateral salpingo oophorectomy. To further break it down they will be removing everything through a minor incision in my navel there will be no contact or need for them to go anywhere near that "opening" that I despise.

I have my pre suergery medical stuff to do in 2 days. It is basically blood work and for me to discuss any potential issues with anesthesia. I have been under anesthesia 4 times without issue so I know I will be fine.

I feel like I should be nervous but I'm not. At least not yet. I am excited to finally get rid of these parts which I never should have had.
I am more nervous about after the hysto when I really move forward with my lower surgery planning because I still have to figure some aspects of that out. I feel in a better place though regarding that whole process.

For now though I just have to focus on getting through this hysto and we will go from there. As of right now it is 9 days and counting!

Reclaiming power over my body

I was sitting here relaxing and thinking over some recent blogs I have read as well as concerns I have had. AS my hysto nears I realize that I really need to keep my eye on the prize because 6 weeks after my hysto my plan is to get lower surgery stuff in full swing. I have been making baby steps in that area using the mentality "slow and steady wins the race." I do feel that it is time to really kick things up a notch. As I have blogged before and those of you who chat with me know lower surgery is definitely for me. My "issue" has been that I have been stuck mentally on whether to go straight for my much wanted NEEDED Phalloplasty or get a Metoidioplasty for now hoping that will either alleviate my dysphoria fully or at least "hold me over" until I can get a phalloplasty.

I realized that part of my issue in choosing has been I put in my mind some of the comments people have made in different community forums. I was thinking about this and realizing I was giving people too much power over my body! I was allowing their words to influence what I felt that I NEEDED for lower surgery. I thought about this and realized that it was giving people power still that I vowed to take away when I started my medical transition. Also I found myself seeking some sort of "validation" from other guys in the community. I was either doing this by seeking reassuring comments or using other people's lower surgery experiences to dictate how I feel. By that I mean if someone in a group posted about how they wanted a phallo but got a meta first and no longer feel the need for a phallo I would use that to tell myself "I won't need the phallo once I get the meta." I was trying to live vicariously through them to simplify the reality of MY struggle. That is their truth but I have to really look at "will that be my truth?" Same thing for my concerns regarding going straight to Phallo and if I go straight for a phallo which one should I go straight for? Should I not use insurance and just save the money to get the MLD phallo? Should I use insurance and get another type of phallo because it would mean surgery sooner rather than later? I post all these questions and usually expect someone to chime in with a proposed answer but I am realizing that the only one that can answer these questions for myself is ME! When everything is said and done I have to be okay in my own skin. I was born alone and will die alone!

I read someone's blog last night who I have been following for weeks now regarding his lower surgery experience. It has been helpful to me, him sharing everything that he has been going through. The thing that really resonated with me was a part about not allowing societies issues to influence how he feels about his own body. That spoke to me more than anything else and as I read that I felt weight being lifted off of my shoulders.

I, PrettyBoiCris, am officially reclaiming power over my body! I am no longer allowing others to influence what I should do and/or when I should do it. I will do what is right for me, when it is right for me. I will share as much or as little about my decisions and journey as I see fit without feeling guilty or pressure!

Trans on Trans relationships and the "community"

I have heard lately different things about "Trans on Trans lovin'." Most of which has been negative. Whether it be a transman with a transwoman, 2 transmen or 2 transwomen. I have heard some trans people saying it's "disgusting" or "too much" and all sorts of stuff. Why is it "disgusting"? I'm confused. I personally don't care who anyone has sex with as long as everyone involved is old enough to consent and no animals were harmed in the process!

I think part of it has to do with that old saying "Misery loves company" People in unhealthy relationships or who are single would rather make fun of or put down someone else's relationship than just move the hell on with their lives. Why do you care?!

Also I hear assumptions about the how the trans couples have sex. Someone described 2 transwomen having sex as "sword fighting". What if both women are pre-op but highly dysphoric? What if both are post op? What if one is pre op and one is post op? You can't assume how they have sex. Same thing with a transman and transwoman. Some transwomen want to be tops, many DO NOT and are VERY dysphoric about their genitalia and dont want to be touched certain places. I remember being at a conference and a transguy introduced his girlfriend who happened to be a transwoman. When they walked away people started making jokes about how he must like getting poked and how if he wants dick just fuck a dude. Little did they know the transwoman was post op and the transguy was very dyphoric so his girlfriend has never seen him naked much less he be in the position for her to "POKE" him.

I also have more and more friends and associates of mine telling me about them being "down low" trans brothers. Basically that means that they are transmen who like men whether it be trans or cismen (Most like other transguys) but they don't tell people really because they are concerned about ridiculed.
First off you don't have to justify to anyone EVER who you are dating, sleeping with, cuddling with, swinging with or whatever else. They also have no right to ask you why you are with that person. GET OVER IT! If you are in a situation where someone is questioning what you are doing and who you are with tell them, MIND YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!

Then people wonder why the "community" seems so divided. If two people are happy- leave them be!

"Are you gonna tell your daughter....?"

My wife and I recently had our first child (adoptive) come to us. She is a sweetheart and I am sooooooo in love with her. My wife and I have been enjoying our new life as parents. People have been great in congratulating me and all. Lately almost everyone who knows of my medical transition history (which is mostly internet people) have been asking me "Are you gonna tell your daughter you transitioned?" OR they ask "When are you going to tell your daughter you transitioned?"

My response to this is usually, "IF I tell her it probably won't be til she is over 18 and the only other way I would tell her is if she found out. I doubt she will find out by accident because anyone who would be around my child would not 'mess up' because they understand and respect the fact that I like to keep my medical history private (the community refers to this as STEALTH)."

I have been fine with this answer and most people say, "oh ok" and go on with their lives, HOWEVER there are people who say that I will be "denying" my child the opportunity of knowing the "WHOLE" me. WTF? I am the whole me!
Some people also have stated "How will your daughter respect trans people if she doesn't know you transitioned?" I find this question is just stupid when I hear it.

First off I know cis-couples who teach their children not to be racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic and to generally respect people and ALL their "differences."
My wife and I are intelligent enough to teach my child how to respect trans/transitioned people but moreso EVERYONE without me having to disclose that I transitioned.

I have been wondering though, "What is the point of me telling her?"
I don't see any benefit in her having that knowledge. The only reason why I might tell her when She is older is because depending on my bottom surgery outcome and other things her having that information if I am unable to speak for myself might be useful. Plus I would rather explain it to her rather than she find out while I am unconcious and she hears some bastardized version from a random stranger. Outside of that there is no discussion to be had. I also don't want to have some Lifetime movie moment with her and say "Sweetie, Daddy has something to tell you..." That to me is just a little much. If I were living as Female when I adopted her THEN was transitioning to male it would make sense for me to tell her but that is NOT the case.

What would you do?! No, seriously I am interested in knowing especially if you are stealth.

Trolls get on my nerves!

Why would you waste your time going to a "Trans community" site just to be ignorant, transphobic and hateful?!" I'm not going to say which site or which community this happened on because the recent event I have seen happen pretty much everywhere I have noticed.

I am sick of people saying "WE will never have a penis."
SPEAK FOR YOUR DAMN SELF! I already blogged about people needing to "RESPECT THE PENIS"

If YOU will never have a penis then that is YOU but don't speak for me and/or others then want to get upset because you got called out for being an ass!

BLAH!

I'm done venting.

Counting down...

I told myself I wouldn't do it because I didn't want to jinx things but I decided to say "Screw it!" I am counting down to my hysto. So I officially started counting down today. I'm still not gonna post the exact date on here just yet for various reasons but I will say that I am happy that things are moving quite fast. We are still in the double digits but once the count down gets to the single digits I will really be bouncing off the walls.
Things are moving along. I have my pre-surgical bloodwork and EKG next week which I know will be fine since I had bloodwork done recently enough for there not to be drastic changes. I know though for surgery labs have to be done again by their people so I am fine with it. It also gives me a midway point to look forward to.

I thought I would be nervous or be feeling some sense of loss but I am not feeling any of that... well at least not yet. We will see what happens as time passes.

I am still waiting to hear back regarding some stuff with lower surgery so we will see how that goes. I feel like I have come to terms with what I need to do for my genitals and what steps to take for me to get where I want and need to be. I plan to focus on my hysto since that is laying the ground work for my lower surgery. 6 weeks after my hysto I can follow up with my planning of lower surgery and setting dates. Stay tuned for that.
till then I am

COUNTING DOWN!

Letting go.

I have finding myself lately realizing that I need to let go. I always knew that once I got comfortable in my own skin that it would be easier for me to live life. What I realize more and more is that I can not completely move forward without letting go of a lot of stuff. I thought the only thing that I needed to let go of was the past. I realize that I also need to let go of a lot of the stress and hurt I have from not allowing myself to be happy. I also realize that even in my new happier shell I need to let go of the ways that I chose my friends as well as the different half ass ways of me justifying keeping toxic friends.

I find myself surveying my friends as well as associates lately. I feel like I have to asses for me who I need to keep in my life and who I really need to let go of. There are some people without question that must go due to how toxic they are for me and how they trigger negativity in me.

I find myself moving more in the direction of people goal oriented and focused on achieving those goals. Anyone can have goals but not everyone actual works towards achieving those goals. I need to move myself from being around people making excuses. I need to move myself away from people who constantly say "I can't". I have made a promise to myself that I will not utter the words "I can't" unless it is followed by the word fail. Me being able to say "I can't fail" is one of the most powerful statements that I could make in my pursuit of happiness and achieving my goals.

I have been spending more time with differnt people either by going out to eat with them or just sitting and talking about things of importance to us.
I find that this has helped me see who I could build a more quality relationship with and who is just around just because we "should be friends" since we are part of "The same community."

I used to feel like I had to get along with everyone if we were part of the same "community" but just because we share some sort of identity or social class does not make us need to be BFF! I used to feel bad for feeling this way but now I embrace it! It allows me to be more authentic in my friendships and connect with people because I want to and not because I have to!

I am living more for my quality of friends as opposed to quantity of friends.

Letting go of toxic ways and toxic people.

My wife

I really wanted to just say that I am married to an amazing woman who supports me in all that I do. I feel like she is my rock. I am truely blessed to have her.

*Don't tell her though it might go to her head!

Good things are happening!

Ever since I said that I was going to stay away from negativity and drama good things have been happening for me. I believe in Karma and it looks like all the good stuff I have done (and continue to do) is coming back to me. For that same reason as frustrated as I get and as mean as I want to be I never am though I think about it in times of stress and frustration.

" I love all my haters they make me feel greater!"

LMAO! I'm in a good mood today. The drama Kings, Queens and Inbetweens can kick rocks because I'm having a good day.

My allergies are finally easing up which is cool because I usually have one bad allergy bout with the weather change then I am fine for the rest of the year.

In other news I mentioned my hysto looming. It is less than 3 weeks away and I have my pre-surgery clearance in 11 days. I called my insurance regarding the hysto stuff (indirectly) just because I have a feeling something is missing in terms of paperwork and clearance but honestly everything so far is a green light. I just have to be cleared for surgery the week before. I had bloodwork and got other clearance to have surgery but this is more their clearance for me to undergo anesthesia which I already know which anesthesia I can take and how my body reacts and the whole nine yards. I just have to stay calm that day so my heart doesn't do backflips and worries them. lol.

I have been trying to help more guys WHO ARE SERIOUS about bottom surgery get that covered with insurance. For some reason I was helping a guy and forgot that I didn't cross check one surgeon who I was considering for phalloplasty a few months ago. I checked this surgeon back in November but as of December my insurance policy for out of state changed. The way my primary insurance works is that I am covered anywhere in the US when I leave my immediate area it rolls over to a larger more known health plan which so happens to explicity cover trans surgeries pending I meet certain criteria. When I check regarding said surgeon in November his medical facility was covered BUT not his surgeons fees which would have been a lot to come up with though less than paying in full but for around the same amount I could go to Serbia and get the MLD phallo ....But I digress.

So as I was saying in speaking to a another guy trying to help him by pulling up plan information I said let me check which surgeons are covered by my national plan just for the heck of it. There he was along with his medical facility I called today to make sure the insurance page was up to date and my insurance said yes it was. I called the surgeons office and they confirmed that he was in my network and he is taking that insurance. I almost passed the hell out.

Here is the kicker I am already planning with another surgeon BUT I am willing to "switch things up and go with this surgeon if I could get all my ducks in a row.
While I was at it I checked my wife's policy which explicity DOES cover trans surgeries as well but it is only local to our area. I already consulted with the local surgeon who was awesome and knows his stuff. The good thing if I went to him would be that whatever my insurance didn't cover or if they dragged their feet her insurance would pick up with no issues.

This really makes things more confusing. Part of me was going to do the Meta here in the US with insurance then in a few years go for the MLD in serbia or see if it was in the US by then BUT I also like the Hip/Groin flap phallo and have been reading and seeing some amazing this with that.

The surgeon I was planning with was already putting things together so that after my hysto I would already have my date and can just focus on pumping and preparing my mind, body and soul for surgery which would be at the end of the year (christmas gift to myself 8D)

Now I am torn between doing the meta to alleviate some dysphoria for now then going for the MLD as I REALLY REALLY WANT or going for the whole shebang now and getting my phallo with insurance instead of waiting for the MLD. I know before I die if I can help it I want my phallo but at the same time with the baby (wife and I have a little girl via adoption for those who don't know) and other stuff meta would be easier to do right now than stages of a phallo. UGH.

I will focus on my hysto and keep thinking things through regarding my lower surgery decisions. I feel stress but blessed that I have such positive things to be worried about.

Stay tuned!

Moving forward and being positive.

There has a been a lot of craziness going on around me. Somethings I understand and some things I really don't. I decided to just move forward FOR ME. Move forward in lower surgery planning and move forward in life. Instead of waiting and wondering just live life! I decided to step back on some things and other things I am stepping up on. Writing these blogs have kept in a good head space. It has allowed me to get a lot of stuff out. The negative toxic stuff can't be held it. I must purge it to stay pure of spirit. I do malice to no one but get pure malice done to me. I could harbor it and become the very thing I hate but before doing that. I step back. Some people will not be getting phone calls any longer. Some people's calls I will not answer. Some people I will reach out to more to show them I value them while others I will step back from. It is so hard for me at times to set boundaries and draw lines BUT I am ready to do it FOR ME!

I have helped guys with lower surgery and hystos but I have yet to get my own done.
Finally I am taking the steps I need for me. I have already scheduled my Hysto which will be a total laparoscopic hysto. I am excited about this. I will not post the date on here just yet because somethings I want to enjoy solely with close friends (who i consider brothers) and family.

Closer to the time I will post my experience and the things related to the process. For now I celebrate in private the date.

I am really happy that I have gotten to this point and I look forward to other positive things.

My daughter is thriving my, Men's forums in my area are thriving, my non-profit is thriving, my clinic is thriving. I need to focus on thriving and leave the negativity behind.

I have to go back to my days of always finidng the silver lining. I want this blog to be about my REAL thoughts and REAL opinion on things. Sometimes that will be very dark and grim but other times it will be positive and uplifting (at least I hope so.)

Today though it started out confusing because I still don't know what is going on with some stuff, for the most part it has been cathartic and beautiful.
The weather is nice here, I have the day off of work, I spent the day with my daughter and took her shopping (It has already begun!)

Life is good and I plan to use the positive stuff to keep me on cloud nine and allow the negativity and back stabbing to sink someone else. Misery loves company and I don't want to be the company!

Community!

I think people use this word a little too loosely. I personally put it in quotes all the time because I think it is a little of a joke to say it. I do not feel that the "Commmunity" is very unified. Between all the flame wars and differences in values, views and opinions I think it can be a little sticky.

In some situations I do feel there is a "community" among people medically transitioning but it is a far cry from the "we are all united" thing people try to make it out to be. There are always wars going on about one thing or the other.

Stealth Vs. Not stealth
Male Privelege Vs. Feminist mentality
Lower surgery Vs. No lower surgery
Pre- transition Vs. later in/ post transition
blah vs. Blah

All of the for mentioned things are legitimate conversations to have BUT there are always those knuckleheads FOOLS that believe will should all agree because we are a community! Just cause we take a similar medication and have similar medical procedures does not mean that we have the same experience! Get over it people WE ARE NOT ALL THE SAME! I don't even like most transmen/ transitioned men/ transmasculine individuals! Why should I? Just because you have a certain label does not make you someone I like or even want to know! I give people a chance but I don't want to sit around and talk about transition all the time! Unless I am asking or answering a question briefly in an online community I really would rather just discuss life stuff.

I have a LIFE not a LIFESTYLE and I think that is what people try and use interchangeably which leads to problems. I do not eat sleep and breathe transness!
When I am with my wife I am not thinking about transition!
When I am with my daughter I am not thinking about transition!
When I am working I am not thinking about transition!
When I am out to the movies I am not thinking about transition!

To be honest I really don't think about "transition" issues unless I am online or I am naked (which is usually reserved for hygenic rituals such as bathing!)

I just wanted to put that out there!

What do you guys think about the "Community"? I look forward to your comments.

Chaz Bono does not represent me!

Someone asked recently if "Chaz Bono was a good representative of the Trans community?" Um WHAT?! I know on a recent interview he was labeled "Transgender Activist" but um... What Activism is he doing?! Every interview I have seen or heard of by him has been pretty self serving! He isn't using his "celebrity status" (I use the term loosely of course) to further anything!

To be honest it doesn't effect me either way because I really don't identify much with the "trans community." From the point of people going through medically similar procedures (i.e surgeries) maybe but other than that I feel like I don't feel this is much of a community (See previous blogs "Don't bite the hand that feeds you" and "Do your research" if you want to know a little more about why I might feel that way.)

I don't think this topic deserve much more than that but I figured I'd mention it.

Don't bite the hand that feeds you...

I am having one of those days where I want to just kick someone! I have helped MANY guys when it comes to transition stuff. I have helped many people in general but I put way more effort and time to helping men in the "community". But I am really getting sick of guys talking crap! Saying "Cris doesn't help ANYONE!" Have you lost your damn mind!
For example I have helped:
-At last count as of this week 50+ guys get top surgery paid for by insurance.
-I have helped guys get hystos while listed as male with insurance.
-I have helped HUNDREDS of guys start T by either referring them to either Therapists, endocrinologist or primary care docs so their process could move along.
-I even started a Damn TRANS HEALTH CLINIC for the community!I see my doc privately for my I don't need a Transclinic but I started one with a respectful MH provider, respectful Doctors and referrals for anything related to transition.
-I even have taken money out of my own pocket to help donate to people with their transition. (I am myself a donation away from needing a fund to help me).

I don't want a prize, I DON'T EVEN CHARGE (and I could cause I have the credentials to do so), I don't even expect a thank you (though it would be nice) BUT WHY TALK CRAP ABOUT ME! Why smile in my face when you want something then talk about me like a dog?! Are you freakin' serious!

That is just really going too far. I jeopardize my being "stealth" to help guys because they are in need then some ungrateful punks want to sit around and talk about me?!

Now if I get mad and stop helping everyone then I will be another "Mean post-transition man that went stealth"! Well people need to start looking about what part they have to play in that.

Why should I continue to help you when you bite the hand that feeds you?!

Then there are the other set of guys who are like "hey prettyboicris I want us to be the bestest friends EVER!" but they only remember my number when they want something. Well SCREW YOU TOO! If this keeps up I'm really gonna just stop. If someone has wrong info, I will look the otherway. If some needs help navigating insurance I will keep my mouth shut. I may bow out and leave the clinic to it's own devices and when it goes down the toilet like other places have not give a rats butt! I will stop writing letters for surgery scholarships, I will stop going to court to help with name changes cause people are nervous, I will stop answering calls to ask questions, I will stop running forums and just stop it ALL.

I so freaking serious I am so pissed right now you don't even know the half. Just as nice as I am I can be a cold and vindictive bastard! I don't want to be like that but if you keep adding fuel to an already burning fire it is already a matter of time til someone gets burned!
I am wasting time helping people and I am delaying my own process I could have BEEN had my own hysto and lower surgery (at least first stage) by now!

I am interested in your comments on this one. Talk to me people!

Do your RESEARCH!

I am really tired of hearing guys make definitive statements regarding different aspects of the transition process when they haven't done their research. What is even MORE annoying is when you try and educate these knuckle-heads and they want to argue with you. For example when people make statements about how "bottom surgery doesn't work!" ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME! I know plenty of guys who have had lower surgery and their penis' more than work! Also what the hell do you mean "work?" What kind of word is that for describing someone's penile function anyway?! Then you can site sources and all that but asses still don't want to hear it!

There are also the ones who you will be telling them what happened to YOU and they are telling you it's not possible.

"You can't get your ID/DL changed anywhere without surgery"- NOT TRUE!
"You can't change your name unless you are on T"- NOT TRUE!
"You can't have top surgery without being on T"- NOT TRUE!
"You can't get T without an Endocrinologist"- NOT TRUE!
"You can't legally marry ANYONE if you transition"- NOT TRUE!
"You can't get T/Top surgery/ hysto/lower surgery covered by insurance"- NOT TRUE!

With all of the things mentioned there are SOME situations in which they might apply BUT in many situations THEY ARE NOT TRUE!

Stop making damn generalizations! If you aren't sure do your research and if someone gives you information to educate you DON'T BE AN ASS! Listen to them and find sources or examples of where you can see this information for yourself if you are skeptical!

If I won the lottery ...

Sometimes I sit back and think about what I would do if I won the lottery. I would do the "typical" stuff such as pay off debt, buy a house, secure a future for my family to make sure we could live comfortably off the winnings. The usual stuff.

Then I think about what I would REALLY want to do with some of the money. That would be have lower surgery. I have been wishing more and more lately that I hit the jackpot so that my lower surgery options would be limitless! Well not limitless but obviously I wouldn't have to worry about money the same way when it comes to having lower surgery.

As it stands now I plan to use insurance which limits the surgeons I can go to and procedures I can have. Since my first choice Phalloplasty is the MLD technique which isn't offered here in the US yet then I can't get that. The forearm phallo though I like it for many reasons is not for me. One of them being I have poor nerves in my left arm and tattoos on it. My right arm is my dominant arm which I would rather not have a scar on. I am 95% sure I will NOT get a forearm phallo but you never know 5% is still there. With that said then my other phallo options are abdominal flap, groin/ hip flap.
My insurance has a procedure cap so I would have to pay for part of my phallo which I would have no problem with because paying a small percentage is better than paying 100% out of pocket. Another thought is that I COULD get a meta FOR NOW (since my ultimate goal will always be a phallo) and then later get my MLD Phallo when I can save the money. Another option is if I get the meta now it will alleviate enough of my dysphoria for me to be able to wait longer to see what other donor sites can be used or can use some regenerative cell techniques to grow to the length I prefer.
So as it stands I am more likely to get a meta. Another reason for this would be I could get it in 1 surgery, 2 at the most depending on if I get my testicular implants done at the same time or separate. Only doing 1 or 2 surgeries would be so much easier to manage with me taking time off of work and having my wife taking time off of work.
BUT
IF I WON THE LOTTERY surgery would be my oyster in that case I would be able to travel and visit more teams and consult with them and see what I can get. I would probably end up going to Serbia for the MLD or if I opt to stay in the US go to Meltzer. Either way I would have options. I would probably go a completely different direction and travel first to see what other things are being done in different parts of the world when it comes to lower surgery. Who knows.

One of my friends recently made fun of me and pretty much called me out for " going back and forth".

Basically he said that he can tell I really want a Phallo but I am "settling for a meta" because it will be easier!
I was mad at him for saying that because it's true. I need to work through that block that I have regarding my meta and phallo decision process so that I am not "settling" as he says.

All I know is if I won the lottery my lower surgery process would be so much easier

Not sharing pictures or surgery results

I hear all the time guys saying "I don't see enough pictures of bottom surgery results" some guys even say that they don't see enough top surgery results from guys of color!
Now why is that you might ask? BECAUSE PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET CAN BE RUDE AS HELL!
Now don't get me wrong now EVERYONE is an ass when it comes to respecting people's bodies but some people are!
I know plenty of guys talking about how they "HATE scars" and "top surgery with DI is ugly" and "bottom surgery doesn't look real"(I'll come back to this topic later). Well then DON'T have surgery! Just don't hate on the guys who have and disrespect them. I RARELY share pictures because I am just a private person and though Top surgery did alleviate my dysphoria drastically I am still protective and sensitive about my body at times. I decided to share top surgery photos to show off my tattoo and show another guy of color who had top surgery. Fools.. YES I SAID IT! FOOLS! had the nerve to talk smack about my chest! Well screw you! Don't LOOK! Also I WANTED TO SAY "At least I had surgery and I'm not dragging around quadruple D titties!" As always Mr. Nice guy pops up in me and I don't say that because that would be mean.
Why would I want to share my pictures with people who are gonna be rude?! That is why now I share when I feel like it. Sometimes I share sometimes I don't!
I am planning on having bottom surgery and in terms of surgery results for bottom surgery on guys of color that is like a needle in a hay stack! You can see a few metas sprinkled across the internet but NOT ONE PHALLO! I have spoken to guys of color and Asked them why they don't share their photos. (I knew the answer but still asked)
Guys said "If people can't respect someone's chest which is already senstive to many people WHY would I let them see my penis and say all sorts of disrespectful stuff after I spent thousands of dollars having surgery to feel whole?!"
Point made!
It makes me feel like only showing my dick in safe spaces at conferences that way if someone talks crap I can just DICK SMACK them. lol.
So the next time you are aching to see surgery results blame the loud mouth in the forum with you that doesn't know how to shut the hell up for them not being there!

Respect the PENIS!

I keep reading on forums and hearing guys say. "I/We will never have a penis so I/we will NEVER be like 'real' guys." UGH it drives me mad! I don't know about anyone else but even without bottom surgery I definitely have a penis! Also what the hell is a "real guy"?! I'm a real guy. I'm not a "fake guy" I can tell you that for sure! Sometimes I want to ask these guys "well if you are never gonna be a 'real guy' then why bother spend thousands of dollars transitioning and emphasizing people call you HE?"
Me being the nice guy I am I tend to be more tactful and educate people about using "problematic language" while in my head saying "SHUT THE f$%$ UP you fool!".

Hey but that is just me. Between T and pumping I definitely have a beautiful penis and I love it. I do want to "enhance" the aesthetic with bottom surgery BUT whether I have bottom surgery or not I still have a penis! Please stop ignoring the penis and RESPECT IT!

I AM NOT A TRANSMAN!

I hate when people on sites say "Well we as transmen" or "you as a transman..." I hate that crap.
I AM NOT A TRANSMAN.

I am not a "changing man". I am a Man who just happened to transition. Get it, got it, good.
Now I prefer to use the term man of Transexperience FOR ME! You can call yourself a pink elephant for all you want. I DON'T CARE just don't label me.

I am an individual. I don't know why people feel the need to feel so "Kumbaya We are one". WE ARE NOT ONE. We are individuals! We have our own lives, own thoughts. Own likes and dislikes. We don't all have to look the same, be the same, think the same, act the same because WE ARE NOT THE SAME.

I'm just trying to be me and I AM NOT A TRANSMAN.

That is all for now.

The Beginning

I decided that I always have so much on my mind. I decided to start this as a new beginning. My space to be me and put out in the world whatever I want to put out. No censorship no Mr. Nice guy but just say what I am thinking at all times and not apologize for it. Good, bad or otherwise. I have a lot of thoughts about a lot of things so if peopl want to ask me about what I am thinking on a subject GO FOR IT! Feel free to email me at Prettyboicris@gmail.com and I will answer questions and respond to EVERYTHING people send me.

Who is Prettyboicris?!

I am a Jamaican- American Man of trans experience. I say Man of transexperience because though I medically "transitioned" (for lack of a better term) I do not identify as trans.

I guess I will give brief timeline of my process.

September 2006- Legally changed name
October 2006- Started T
May 2007- Changed Gender on State ID and most documents
December 2007- Got married to the woman I love (Legally recognized as Groom)
April 2008- Top Surgery
June 2008- Changed gender with Social Security
November 2009- Top surgery Revision

For 2010 I am planning a hysto and bottom surgery. (stay tuned for updates and blogs on that stuff).

I have a chip in if you would like to donate to help with costs associated with me saving for surgery! 8D

I see myself as a man with a medical condition that is just trying to make his way through the world one day at a time!